6 Years!

6 years ago on December 8 during a blizzard in Alaska, we decided it be a good idea to drive almost 3 hours to our wonderful friends house and get married. We are crazy like that. We were driving a not so reliable car with horrible lights and no traction on the tires. I could barely see and was driving about 30 miles an hour up and down mountains and around bends but I wouldn't change it for anything. I had my mom there as well as two of my closest friends in Alaska. Denise and Neal Higginson were so sweet to let us use their house. They had it all set up for christmas and it was beautiful. Denise made a wonderful spread and even got us a cake and me a bouquet. I cried just walking in the door. She really went above and beyond to make it special. We will be forever grateful. 

After 6 years, we sure have changed. ( I mean look at my hair and Richard's beard) LOL

 I love this man more than I did on that special day. 

We have grown in many ways and he is definitely my counterpart. He is calm and collected and likes to think things through before making decisions. 

He doesn't stress over little things.

He is accommodating.

He loves my cooking.

He knows how to make me smile.

He can always get me to laugh.

He loves his children and they love him.

He prefers breakfast over any other meal.

He can eat my mashed potatoes at every meal.

He can grow a mean beard.

He is smarter than he thinks.

He is a good driver (even though he doesn't have a license)

He loves to take off his socks and just drop them wherever they land.

He doesn't cook.

He is pretty handy.

His favorite holiday is Halloween. Mine is Christmas!

He is all man. 

I just love him to pieces.

Here we are celebrating said anniversary with a little Thor and Olive Garden afterwards. This was a special date. It was the first date we had since the twins were born 11 months ago. Never will we let that much time in between dates happen again. 

Here's to 100 more anniversaries!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since my last post, I have felt a little better. I have made it a point to keep a journal and am learning my triggers and trying to recognize them before it turns evil. Still lots of work to do but my home seems to be a little better. That's not saying that we are perfect or we don't have horrible days but it is less than before. 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this is the perfect time for me to write down all that I am thankful for as a constant reminder for me. 

1. My family of course. They are my best examples and show me love even in my darkest times.
2. My mother, she has taught me so much and I owe it all to her
3. My scriptures, they always have comfort and answers for me.
4. Prayer. I love the communication that I can have with my Father in Heaven and knowing that he listens and is always there for me.
5. My apartment. In this time, there are so many without a place to live that I don't ever want to take it for granted.
6. Our van, without it we wouldn't be able to get to where we need or spend time together away.
7. UVU. Richard is furthering his education so we can have a better life.
8. The Olive Garden for allowing my husband to have flexible schedule.
9. Music, it can change my mood instantly.
10. Quiet time. I don't have it very often but I sure do enjoy it when I do.
11. My Ward. They are so full of love and compassion. They are definitely examples to me.
12. Modern Medicine. My kids have been sick more than they should this year, and they have been able to overcome it with medicine.
13. The internet. It is useful in so many ways and has so many opportunities to learn and educate.
14. My 4 brothers. Kirk, Bruce, Justin and Jon. 
15. My testimony. It is what keeps me whole lately. 
16. That we are able to pay our bills as well as feed our family
17. Contacts because I hate wearing glasses.
18. A warm bed.
19. Sleep.
20. Facebook so I can keep in contact with friends near and far. 
21. Good books to read.
22. Other moms that I have connected with because we have twins. 
23. Lastly I am thankful for the obstacles and challenges in my life. They have made me who I am today and have guided me to what I want to be. 

Depression

For those who still read this, I ask for prayers. 

I went to my first therapy appointment on Monday. This is very humbling for me. I have always been the strong one, the one that can handle anything. I have always been the friend that everyone came too with their problems and I was good at fixing them. Until now.

I knew something wasn't right but I just kept saying it was fine and making excuses. I was tired. I was exhausted. Kids are sick again. I am too busy. I don't feel good. I didn't want to admit there was a problem. But there is. 

I yell at my kids to the extent that they shudder. My little Madison holds up her hands like I am going to hurt her. The babies cry when I yell. Jackson shuts down. I lose control and then nothing is solved. 

I have control issues. 

I don't have any patience.

I demand too much from my children. (they are only 4 and 2)

I am in a split religion/belief relationship. While my husband supports me, it is still hard to do everything church related by myself. 

Richard gets to go to school and work. I am jealous of his out of the home time. 

Since the twins were born, I have been on my own. The day after they were born, winter semester started and Richard had to go to class. I spent the days in the hospital alone. When we came home, Mom and Richard went back to work and school 2 days later. I am overwhelmed. I never really got to heal or get back to normal. I haven't cut my hair in over a year. I never wear make-up. I am in pajamas all the time unless I have to take the kids to the Doctor or on Sunday. My house is a disaster. I do the bare minimum to get by. 

My dad passed away in January and I haven't actually grieved. We drove all the way to Kentucky with 4 kids (2 being 3 weeks old) and I was still really sore from my c-section and other problems that come with pregnancy. It was not a pleasant trip. I miss him and am feeling very guilty for not making a better effort to see him. I feel guilty that he had to go through his last days in pain alone. He had no one. 

I have been calling myself lazy and that is why none of this is happening. When in reality I am depressed. Nothing brings me true joy. I wake up, tend the kids, watch T.V., go to the playground sometimes, go to the park sometimes, take the kids to the mall sometimes, grocery shop once a week, church once a week and then start all over. Occasionally we will throw in some outings with daddy but it so stressful that I end up ruining it for everyone. 

I have only had one therapy appointment but at that appointment I was able to speak freely and all this came out and I didn't even realize it. I am bitter. 

I love my babies. I always dream't  of being a mother. I just had a different view in my mind. 

This week has been a real eye opener. I have consciously made an effort to keep track of my bad times and try to conquer them. I have made a point to write in my journal for release. I know now that I need help and I can't do this on my own. I am anxious to see my therapist again. He is already a great man and I am excited to have his help. 

This is only the beginning. 

My kids deserve a better mom.

My sweet Madison

I chose this photo for many different reasons. It portrays my sweet daughter to a tee. At this moment she had been sitting with me for about 10 seconds. This was taken after I delivered the twins. My mom brought Madison and Jackson to come see me and when they walked in I had an oxygen mask on and it freaked Madison out. She cried for quite a while and wouldn't come near me. After what seemed like an eternity she finally sat with me but needed her bear "Belle" to sit with her. The face she is making is her whimper getting over crying face. I am sharing my jello which made it a  little better. 

So from this picture I see Madison in all her wonderfulness. She is such a little mommy to her babies (stuffed animals).

She loves me.

She is definitely a mommy's girl.

She loves food.

She is very concerned if I am ever upset or cranky or hurt.

She is my little firecracker. She has a huge personality.

She is only 2 almost 3 so she has a real hard time sharing.

She isn't talking the best so she gets frustrated because we don't always understand her.

She loves Minnie Mouse to the extent of an obsession.

She loves her family.

She will do anything I do.

She is very girly (loves her toes painted, shoes, makeup, dresses)

She is also athletic.

She is full of energy

She is not afraid of anything.

She loves being outside and riding her bike.

She adores Jackson and follows him in everything.

We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant with a girl. We figured our lives were complete now that we were going to have one of each. Madison is full of laughter and love. She has made me a better person and is such a sweet girl. She loves to snuggle when it is time for bed and loves for me to rub her head. 

We are so lucky she chose us to be her parents. 

Jackson Lee Dalton

This is my little/big man. I just love him.

I need to write more good things about my babies

instead of all the whining and complaining.

Jackson is almost 5 years old. I can't believe he made me a mommy

that long ago. 

He is seriously an angel. 

He has such a sweet side of him and is so sensitive.

He loves cars. (that's an understatement)

He loves building things and making new designs with his blocks.

He loves learning. 

He loves playing outside.

He makes friends with everyone.

He loves his "babies" and is such a big helper for me.

He wants to help with everything.

He prefers showers. (baths are for babies)

He LOVES music and is actually very good at it.

Jackson is such a good kid. His personality is so big and he has so much to offer.

I am trying really hard to give him some independence. 

I have seen him grow so much since we have loosened the chains a little.

It makes him feel important and so big.

I ask him at least 10 times a day what he wants to be when he grows up

Some of his responses include

-musician

-construction worker like daddy

-truck driver

-superhero

-football player

-chef

-daddy

He is just a special little boy and I am so lucky he made me his mom!

Our summer!

We were lucky enough to keep busy this summer. We played at the pool. We played at the parks. We visited splash pads. We hung out at the mall when the heat was unbearable. We visited the Utah State Fair. We visited Onion Days in Payson. We just had fun.

New Blog

I started a new blog. I am going to keep this blog for my personal use like I have been. My new blog is mostly about the twins and how it has changed our lives. I will be including my favorite things and inspirational quotes, recipes and whatever else I feel like putting in. I am excited about this new opportunity. I have been looking for something to keep my mind working and I think this will help. I really don't have any knowledge in any particular topic except being a mommy and wife so a blog about that sounded perfect.

Do I expect a million people to read it? No, not really. It is more of a hobby for me and something for me to have of my own.

The blog address is 4kidsunder5.blogspot.com

Feel free to check it out. I just started so bear with me while it gets established.

Six things I learned on Sunday

I need to try harder at documenting more on the blog, after all I want this to be a cherished gift I can give to my children.

Today is Sunday and just like every Sunday we went to church. Let me just say that Sundays are a walking contradiction in my life. I love them, I love the spirit I feel when I am there and the lessons I learn and the chance that I get to renew my covenants every time I take the sacrament. I don't love however the battle I have with Jackson every Sunday to get dressed, I don't love that I don't have a companion in the gospel to help me get everyone ready in the morning, I don't love the time during sacrament meeting when my kids bug me for food or drinks when they know they can't have snacks until after the bread/water, I don't love how I hardly ever hear the talks because I am constantly having to tell Jackson to sit down and stop crying or stop hitting your sister or telling Madison to not stand on the pews, or to stop screaming, I don't love how sweaty I get because I am carrying 2 carseats every where I go.

Now do the bad weigh out the good? Sometimes I feel as if they do. For instance today I was at my wits end. I thought about walking out and just going home because seriously how much good is it doing if we aren't actually hearing the talks or testimonies. I stuck with it and sacrament was over and I got to go to class. Of course it was wonderful. Katlin Vest is an awesome teacher and I always learn so much from her. The babies were great for Sunday School. Next it was time for Relief Society and I can honestly say that is my favorite time of the day. There is just a different feel in that room with all the sisters that I could stay all day. Vanessa Rucker taught today and it was awesome.

I was feeling pretty good, thinking the day was going to turn out better than it started. I dropped Mom and the 2 older kids off at home so I could pick up Richard from work. We went straight to the church so I could get set apart (finally) for my compassionate service calling. We also talked to Bishop about some financials and we went on our way. Not even 5 seconds after we got home (hadn't even set the babies or my diaper bag down) and I was bombarded with whiny children asking for all sorts of stuff. OMG, I thought, what the heck! (why can't my children ask their father for things) I snapped and said "Let me change my clothes, maybe go to the bathroom and I will be with you in a minute"

That moment on the night was a train wreck. I snapped at the kids over and over and bedtime was a joke. Finally at 10:00 they were all asleep and it was in that moment that I realized what a maniac I am. I had an ah-ha moment and am quite embarrassed with the way I acted all day. So here are my six things I learned today.

1. My kids do not respond to yelling, in fact they go the opposite direction and act out more.
2. In my darkest hour during sacrament when I felt like walking out, the spirit prompted me to go up and bear my testimony not knowing what I was going to say and it actually made it better.
3. My Heavenly Father loves me even when I am making stupid choices.
4. My kids love me even when I am yelling at them.
5. The Lord has given me this calling of Compassionate Service Leader at this time for me to be humbled and stop dwelling on everything I don't have and look at what I do. Someone out there is always worse off than me.
6. Madison is only 2 1/2 and Jackson is only 4 1/2! I treat them like they are so much older and that needs to stop. They are actually really great kids.

Today was an eye opener. I am ashamed of how I acted today. I apologized to my kids and got them to sleep and I pray that tomorrow is better.

This post doesn't have a title because I really don't know how to categorize it. I am stressed. The last month has been really hard. Actually the whole summer has been rough. For starters we are poor. So poor that if I took the time to apply for everything, we could get WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid for the whole family, help with housing. I mean it is actually really sad. The reason for this is Richard makes minimum wage + tips from the OG and has only had on 40 hour week this whole summer, and I am not working. It is really hard for me not to go back to work, but I know that this is what's best for my children so I am putting it all in the Lords hands and have hoped that we made it through the summer. Well it is now August 19, school starts in 7 days and we made it. We made it thanks to my mother. She saved us about 5 times from going in the whole. She paid our cable bill, our phone bill, Jackson's music class bill, given me money multiple times and is basically buying all the groceries to keep us fed. I can't wait until we can give it all back to her. If it had not been for her, we would be without a phone, car and maybe even food. It is crazy how different summer is from the rest of the year. The reason behind all of it is this; when Richard is in school we get housing and loans. Due to his time in the Army we get housing during the months he is in school. Man am I thankful for his time served. Unfortunately we take out loans too so he doesn't have to work as much and can focus on his studies. I look forward to the day he is done with school, we don't need anymore assistance and we are doing ok.

The next stressor is my children. They aren't the stress, the lack of parenting that I am doing is the stress. A few weeks ago, I decided to sit with Jackson and start to learn his alphabet. That was a bad idea. I am a horrible teacher. I lost it. He knows the song and kept singing it wrong and I couldn't handle it. I actually made him cry and that is the last thing I want to happen. I want my children to want to learn and be excited about education. I didn't enroll Jackson in a pre-school so now I have to buckle down and teach him so when it is time for Kindergarten he isn't behind.
We watch too much TV and that is because I am lazy. I am so tired most of the time that I just turn it on and nap in the recliner. I have stopped drinking soda thinking that might help with my tiredness, and it has helped a little but there are more days than not that I am just exhausted.
I don't take them outside enough and we are not getting enough exercise.

All of these things are making it really bad for the children. We are just existing, we aren't a part of society. We aren't involved in anything, we are home bodies majority of the time.

My next stressor is my sleeping. I recently did a study for my sleeping and we have found that my oxygen levels aren't where they are supposed to be. I did a second test and haven't had the results yet.

And finally my last problem is my weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been and it is killing me. I am so prideful that I have blinded myself. I am in denial that I am not as big as I am and then I see a picture and I want to throw up.

Now why am I writing about these and not doing anything about them? Honestly I don't know. I feel like I might be depressed then I have awesome days where I am happy and the kids are happy and everyone is happy. However in the back of my mind all these things are quietly eating at me. I don't know how to handle them. I don't know how to change. Or am I too lazy to change. I beat myself up pretty much all day for not being perfect in all these areas. That leads to me yelling at the kids over everything, which leads to me not doing anything, which then leads to me wanting to sleep, which leads to me wanting to eat, which leads to me getting full, which leads to me deciding I should get up and work off the food so I clean and then get mad at the kids for not helping or making messes. Holy crap, I just read all of this and can't believe it. I have a problem. It is a vicious cycle that has taken over my life. I need help.

Summer Ween!!

Our friends the Terry's invited us over for a SummerWeen Party. It stems from this Disney cartoon GRAVITY FALLS (which we had never watched). They celebrate halloween in the summer and carve watermelons. So thats what we did. Kyle carved some watermelons and we all dressed up. It was really fun. I am so glad Richard went and he said he had fun. It is good for us to have member friends. I had to get creative because we were short on funds. So our costumes consisted of duct tape and white T-shirts. Thank you pinterest. LOL

Catch UP!

Two milestones in this picture. Logan started holding his bottle 2 days before this and Savannah started holding her feet 2 days after. They are right in sync.

The babies are 27 weeks in this picture and got to try watermelon for the first time. They thought it was awesome and wouldn't let us take it away.

The babies like to hold their bottle the same way.

Not many words

I am not a woman of many words, in fact I feel like I am not very educated and not very eloquent when it comes to speaking but some things have been on my mind lately and I need to write/type them down.

First I have a testimony. It may be simple and small but it is there. I know that Jesus lives. I know he died for us and if we follow his example and do all that we can, we can live again. I know the law of tithing is there for a reason. I have experience that it is a blessing although at times it seems near impossible. I believe in prayer. I have had many prayers answered and unanswered. I know families can be eternal and believe ours will be someday. I know the scriptures to be a word of God. I have not studied them like I should and unfortunately have lost some of the knowledge but I know when I do read them that they are true and bring this peace to my life as well as my familys. I know Thomas S. Monson is the living prophet today and it such an awesome example of what we should all be. He is truly inspired and is the best man to lead us right now especially in these troubling days.

Second topic is my ability to be a mother. I feel confident about half the time. I have days where everything goes perfectly and I see the eternal perspective and then I have days like today. Nothing went right. I slept in too late. Richard watched a inappropriate movie with the kids which sent them in to hyper mode not wanting to go to church. Jackson fought me to get dressed. We got to church and the kids were arguing over the cars they brought, Jackson wouldn't stop leaning over the pew in front of us and bothering the family in it, Jackson didn't take the sacrament, Jackson was disturbing his class so he had to come to RS with me, the babies were a little fussy, Mom was on edge, Jackson slammed doors when we got home, Madison was screaming, I spanked Jacksons butt a few times in my rage/irritation, the older kids went to be really early, the babies wouldn't go to sleep. Finally now at 945 p.m., I am enjoying some LDS Hymns on Pandora trying to relax and regroup. I definitely feel like a failure today. I mean what child doesn't want to take the sacrament. It breaks my heart when he refuses.

After all that I immediately start feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I am a single parent when it comes to the gospel. I am raising these children by myself in the gospel and it sucks!!!! I look around and the big green monster comes out. I want my husband there. I want to be able to lean on him and have him lighten my burden. I want to hold his hand while we are listening to the bishopric teach us. I want to be able to sing with him. I want to be able to pray with him. I want to be able to walk to the temple with him. Then I stop and beat myself up because it was my choice. I married a non-member. I did. It still sucks!

Babies are 5 months old!!!!

We took the babies for their checkup on June 5th. Yes we are a month behind but it happens. They were both very good and only fussed for a second after their shots. We left the older kids at Jen Prices' house so it was a lot easier with just two. Bless her for helping out.

Logan: 19lbs 26.5 inches
He is growing like a weed. He looks so much older than 5 months but I guess Jackson did too so what can we do.
-He can grab his toys with both hands
-He loves chewing on his hands
-He is such a happy baby, smiling all the time
-He puts himself to sleep
-He can roll from back to stomach and back again
-He babbles all day long
-He drinks 8oz bottles 4x a day
-He loves to push himself if you are up against his feet
-He loves church
-He loves Madison and she can get him laughing better than anyone
-He wears size 3 diapers already
-He prefers to sleep on his side

He is our chunky monkey that we love so much. He is very aware of what it going on around him and to us it seems he will be on the run soon. He doesn't like to lie still and wants to be part of the action.

Savannah: 16lbs 25.25 inches
She is our little shorty and such a mommas girl. She is very needy sometimes but I love to cuddle her.
-She found her feet last week
-She loves to squeal
-She can grab her toys with both hands
-She can pass toys from one hand to the next
-She hates tummy time
-She prefers mommy over anyone else
-She loves to be up in the air
-She babbles but not as much as Logan
-She is a tv junkie
-She sucks on her lower lip
-She drinks 6oz bottles 5-6x a day
-She loves church

Savannah is so different than the rest of the kids, she even has her own look. She has the sweetest smile that can brighten anyones day. She does not like to be left alone and will start crying immediately if she realizes it.

We just love these babies so much and although it is crazy hectic in our house we couldn't imagine our lives without them.

Hill Aerospace Museum

May 17th we went up to Layton/Ogden area to visit the Hill Aerospace Museum. It is incredible. First off it is free and that is always a plus in my book since we have a family of 6 now. LOL

It was about an hour drive but totally worth it. THere is a uniform room that has uniforms all the way back to WWII. There are two warehouse size rooms full of planes. It starts with the Wright Brothers and goes all the way to vietnam I believe. There were a couple atomic bombs, a firetruck, an ejection seat and a ton of planes and jets. The kids loved it. As a matter of fact, Richard loved it more I believe. LOL

We were there for about 2 hours and we even purchased two planes for the kids. It was definitely a success.

Just missing my Dad.

Today is a day that I wish my dad was still alive and here with us in Utah. Sometimes I think I feel him around and I hope that sticks until I die.

My relationship with my dad wasn't the greatest all the years of my life but just the last few it was blossoming and getting better.

The whole time I was growing up, I felt like I was treated better than my brothers but it wasn't until my early 20's that I realized it and how much it bothered me. I had to do a lot of forgiving to my dad mainly because I didn't want that grudge anymore. It wasn't until I got married and pregnant that I knew I needed to let it go and move on. I had a family of my own to love and take care of that I didn't need that hatred hanging over my head and consuming my days and thoughts. Suprisingly it was easier than I expected. So I started a new relationship with my Dad and we were fine. We would talk on the phone and I sent him letters and pictures. Unfortunately he never met Richard or any of the kids, in fact the last time I saw him was in 2005 before I left home for the last time. Our relationship had to heal itself over the phone and through the mail, and it did. When I found out he died, I have never cried so hard in my life. I was so mad that I wasn't able to see him one last time, I was angry that he didn't take care of himself good enough for his children, I was angry that he never met my beautiful family. I was guilty for not patching things up faster and making an honest effort to go see him. But mostly I was sad and still am.

I know my Dad isn't perfect but I know in his mind he did all that he could and knew how. I hope that he is getting the help he needs so that when it is my time to go and my families time to go that he will be waiting for us. My kids deserve their grandpa. I deserve a daddy.

Happy Easter!

Easter this year was pretty chill. We had a nice dinner and the kids each looked for eggs and received one gift. I am sick of having to make each holiday so elaborate and over the top. I want to start focusing on what the holiday means and the spiritual part of it. I did dress the kids up all cute like and take pictures of course. On the way to church we discussed what Easter mean't and the kids had a nice time during church. Uncle Kirky came over and the rest of the evening we just spent hanging out. Daddy had to work of course so he didn't get to spend the day with us. I look forward to the day he doesn't have to work sundays.

Daddy's Little Cowboys!

Happy St. Patricks Day!

I am blogging a weird order but I need to get these memories down before I forget. This year we got shirts for all the kids which came in handy because we wore them whenever we went somewhere during the week of spring break so we could tell we were all together. Nothing crazy happened but it is fun to take pics of the kids.

Hogle Zoo

March 13, we went to the Zoo. It was Richard's spring break week and we tried to make it memorable. I posted earlier about the Provo Beach Resort, well part of that same week we went to the Zoo. They finally have the Bear exhibit up and I was so excited. We got some great pictures of all the animals and the kids had a blast. The babies slept pretty much the whole time. I carried Logan in my Moby Wrap and Madison rode with Savannah in the stroller. I love my double stroller for purposes just like this. Unfortunately the zoo is not that big, so we were in and out in about 2 hours. We drove around Salt Lake and checked out the surrounding areas. I just love driving and checking out scenery.

Before I forget

I had a mini heart attack last Thursday. Richard had helped me take the kids to the playground and he was gonna run home and shower then come back and hang out. While he was gone, Savannah was a wreck. She wouldn't let me put her down and wouldn't stop fussing/crying. I looked up and saw Madison climbing a S shaped ladder on the playground. I knew she was too small for it but she is so determined to do what the big kids do. She was doing just fine but a part of me knew I should be there to help her. I walked over with savannah still in my arms. The top of the ladder is about 2 feet away from the landing and she missed it. She fell but caught a hold of the landing with her hands. That didn't last long, and she fell onto the ground on her back. I instantly set Savannah down in the sand and went and picked up Madison. Luckily there was another mom there that picked up Savannah to calm her down while I tended to Madison. She was crying in a way that I had never heard. I was panicking. I called Richard and told him to come now! I checked her over and she seemed fine. She really just had the wind knocked out of her. It was so scary. She did get a big scrape on her back but overall was unhurt. I am so grateful for Madison's angels that day because who knows what could have happened. It is at least a 5 foot drop onto kitty litter type sand. Not a pretty picture.

Battle with myself.

I've always been the type to please everyone else and I can't change that. Or I don't know how to change it. I even do it with my husband.

Before I had Jackson I was a partier. For about 10 years I led a life that was unworthy and sinful. I may not regret those years because I have learned so much but I do wish I could forget it. Unfortunately I have the ability to get addicted to things and since drugs and alcohol were part of those years it is hard to forget. I am surrounded by all these reminders of my past and I just want to get away. I know for a fact that my children saved me. If it wasn't for them I would probably still be in the same spot.

Tonight I went to pick up Richard from work and had some time to visit with some old coworkers. Let me tell you I miss it. I'm being completely honest. Richard is going to be hanging out with some people from work this Sunday and I am jealous. I hate that I am jealous!!! I know it is wrong and I know how it makes me feel afterwards but I still miss it. What makes it even worse is there will be people there that I do not care for and Richard will most likely be the only one that is married and it upsets me. Its not the life I want so why do I miss it?

No pictures just thoughts

I sit at my computer thinking I need to go to sleep but instead I am playing this mindless game of Bejeweled and listening to the baby monitor to my 4 angels sleeping and I can't help but be overwhelmed with gratitude to my Heavenly Father. As I am getting ready to shut off the computer Madison wakes up and wants to snuggle on my bed and I melt. I am one lucky momma. I have a man who loves me no matter what. I have the worlds most beautiful children who at times drive me crazy but I wouldn't change it for the world. I have a mother who keeps me in check and loves me unconditionally. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ to keep me grounded and know there is life eternal. I have a car that is reliable and fits my whole brood of a family. I have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards. All the rest is trivial. It is times like this that remind me that I need not stress over the rest. No I don't have an enormous bank account, and no we don't go on vacations or buy expensive things but we are happy. I am so blessed to be able to care for my family and raise them in the gospel. I just hope they remember that and not my yelling and freak out sessions.

Long overdue!

This picture was taken at Louisville KY Applebees the day of my fathers funeral.

I have needed to write this for a while but have kept putting it off because it causes too many emotions. Decided it needs to happen before I start to forget.

My dad was a good man with some bad luck. He was born February 3, 1942 in Michigan. He has 14 brothers and sisters; Ann, Rita, Betty, Don, Jack, Jim, Bruce, Minnie, Diane, Mark, Laura, Elton, Darlene and Paul. He was number 7 in the lineup. Jack, Don and Betty have all passed away as well. Dad died January 22. 2013 just shy of his 71st birthday. He had a bypass surgery at Vanderbilt in November and the day after surgery they found a clot in his leg so operated on it to save his life. They sent hime to a rehab center hoping to get better. It didn't happen and he was back in the hospital on January 21 for another surgery on his leg. He made it through the surgery but wasn't feeling well in his room. Shortly after he went in to cardiac arrest and they couldn't save him. A blood clot made it's way to his heart and he was gone.

I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. I had just woken up with the babies to feed them and my phone rang at 6AM. Everyone knows that phone calls that early are not good. I answered and it was my Aunt Minnie, telling me that Dad had died. I was sad, angry and most of all feeling guilty. She preceded to tell me that my Uncle Bruce was taking care of everything and gave me his number. I hung up and just couldn't hold in my tears. I mean he was only 70, he isn't supposed to die yet. He didn't even get to meet his son-in-law and his 4 grandbabies. That's how long it had been since I had seen him. I had gotten married, and had 4 beautiful children without him. The guilt was strong and I couldn't stop crying. My mom came in the room immediately and I barely got it out. She called Kirk and told him to come over and then she cried.

For the next 3 hours I just sat on the couch in shock and trying to take care of my 3 week old twins.

Over the next couple of days I talked to doctors, nurses, deputy coroners and many relatives. All of the sudden I was in charge and had to make all the arrangements. I couldn't hold it together. I was cranky, and mean. I mean how dare everyone make the mother of 3 week old twins take care of it all. I was having a pity party for myself and neglecting my family.

I somehow managed to figure out everything. We had no money and either did any one else so as an unanimous decision we decided to have him cremated because it was cheaper and the county coroner could do it for us. I spoke with the hospital chaplain and she happened to be friends with the coroner so she helped me get things in order that way. We thought we had it all in order. We were wrong. Due to Dad having so many children and all of us being scattered around the country we couldn't do the cremation like we had planned. They would need written consent (notorized) with valid ID from all 6 of us before proceeding with the cremation. UGH, one more roadblock. I learned all of this on a friday, so I would have to wait until the following monday to know what that back up plan was.

Monday came around and I got a call from the Deputy Coroner. His name is Buddy Dewmyer. He is a sweet man with a very comforting voice. He told me that he wasn't going to do the cremation but could give Dad a memorial service in 4 days on Thursday January 31st. I actually was very happy with that. I don't really believe in cremation but felt it was the only way since I couldn't pay for the funeral. He made it all better. He told me of how the memorial service works and how there would be people there to honor him. I felt much better and knew he would be taken care of. I was still sick feeling that he wouldn't have any family there.

I emailed/facebooked all of the family that i had contact info for and let them know what was going on. Almost immediately Mark responded and said he would be there. Now I was even more at ease because Dads best friend Mark (his brother) would be there. For the next few hours I tried to relax and actually take a nap. Mom called me around 2:00 pm asking me if I wanted to go to Dads funeral. Of course I said yes but knew it was a crazy idea. Well you all know we are crazy.

For the next 10 hours I was making renting arrangements, packing, laundry, shopping for road food, cleaning the house, getting everything in order so we could leave in the morning to drive (yes, drive) to Kentucky. Brother Wade and Brother Thacker came over and gave us blessings for the trip, we are so blessed to have Bryan as our hometeacher. He is truly a man of God. We originally had set up to rent a minivan but the rental place was out of them so upgraded us to an Expedition (blessing #1). Mom picked it up around 10AM, and we got on the road around 1045. Richard was staying behind so he wouldn't miss any school. Kirk went with us. (blessing #2). The day we left it was basically a blizzard here in utah. We were so happy to be leaving, and according to the weather channel it was snowing halfway through Colorado then it was clear and 60 all the way to KY. Needless to say we were hopeful for an easy trip. Kirk drove first and took us almost through Colorado. It was really snowing but it was daylight so not too bad. I picked up driving and was halfway through Kansas when I started getting a bad feeling. I couldn't really see that well and the roads felt very icy. As soon as I felt that, I saw a car in the ditch. Right then I made a decision to get off and get a hotel even though it was already 2 in the morning. We had planned on driving straight through since there were three of us who could drive. That did not go as planned. We got our hotel and slept a few hours. We really didn't want to waste any time so we were back on the road around 830. As I was checking out, I asked the man what happened here yesterday? He then told me how they had a terrible thunderstorm the day before and didn't really think anything of it until they all woke up to 20 degree weather (very unusual in Kansas) which in turn made everything freeze. We just happened to come across it in the county that doesn't salt their roads. We got back on the road and about every 2-3 miles there was another car in the ditch. It was crazy. (blessing #3)

The rest of the way to KY wasn't so bad. It was windy and cold but for the most part once we got out of Kansas the roads were drivable and we made it to Louisville, KY around 11 PM Wednesday night. Dads funeral was Thursday, so needless to say again, we weren't going to be getting any sleep. We clearly didn't know our way around Louisville, so we stopped at the first hotel we saw. UGH, it was gross. WE were so tired that we just took it. Next time I am totally asking to see the room before I pay for it. The beds were horrible. The carpet was sketchy. The bathroom small with no vent and the shower was dirty. It was small and not worth the $75 we spent. I had to leave the babies in their carseats because the beds weren't big enough for all of us. Not my favorite thing.

We woke up and were all ready by 10ish. Dad's funeral was starting at 11. Let me tell you that morning was surreal. I knew we were going to his funeral but it was just not right feeling. We all piled in the car and drove to the site.

The cemetery is designated for persons buried by the state. It is a small little lot next to this elementary school. Dad showed up in a hearse. His casket was blue and very basic. Buddy put together this basic but beautiful memorial. It is a Catholic prayer. Some wonderful boys from the local private school were the pall bearers and did the memorial. It was perfect for the circumstances and I am so grateful to the people that participated. In the middle of the program, Buddy asked if we wanted to say anything. Uncle Mark was sweet and said a few words. He mentioned how Dad was his best friend and he missed him very much. Kirk didn't say anything (crying too hard) and I just mentioned how he is in a better place and hope he can find peace. Mom reitterated Marks words and we shed a lot of tears. It was a very short funeral but it felt really nice to be able to be there. It was a closed casket because we had an autopsy done, but to be honest I am grateful for that. I want to remember my Dad as a young man with 5 kids who coached my softball team and who loved to fish. It was very wet and cold that we couldn't walk to the actual site where they would lay Dad so we just watched them take him over there. Jackson thought it was cool, cuz Grandpa Hurlburt was being carried by a tractor over to his grave site. As we were watching, I was able to talk to some very sweet folks. 2 men and 1 woman. The men live in the neighborhood and keep watch on the cemetery (so sweet) and the woman is there for support and made the programs. I just wanted to put all 3 of them in my pocket, they were all so adorable and nice. The boys that were there are part of a club at their high school that does these types of funerals. When a person can't have a regular funeral, or has no family or their family can't pay then Buddy calls up the boys and they come to offer support and read the prayer. It is truly an act of service and I will forever be indebted to these boys. Such a bright example in this sinful world.

After the service, we drove to Applebees for some lunch. Uncle Mark treated. It was so wonderful to catch up with him. We talked about all the family members and just had a wonderful time. He just loved the kids and they took a liking to him. We were pretty much the only people in the restaurant so all the employees just couldn't wait to see the babies and come and chat with us. It was sweet. We got some pictures, gave lots of hugs and parted ways. I was so grateful that he could come down to say goodbye.

We headed right out of town after that. Our next stop was going to be Texas to surprise MawMaw!!!!!

Provo Beach Resort

During the week of Richards spring break, we decided to check out the provo beach resort. We had never been there before so we didn't know what to expect. It turned out to be one of the best days we've had since becoming a family of 6. The kids rode on the carousel, they played in both playgrounds. They bowled and did pretty well. They played just about every arcade game and had such a blast. We only spent $50 for all 4 of us and even had lunch. Richard and I want to go back just us and do all the adult things. LOL

Madison

We took Madison to the doctor the same day as Jackson. Luckily she didn't need any shots so it was a pleasant experience. She is such a little lady and is growing up so much. Maybe too fast.

Madison stats 31 lbs
36 inches
19 head
She is still in the 75th percentile. She is tall for her age but right in the middle for weight. She is a little behind on her speech so we are going to have a speech therapist come over and help us.

She knows about 80 words.
She just recently started asking "where is?", "daddy at?"
She jabbers and jabbers but unfortunately we only understand a few words out of each sentence.
She has been feeding herself since she was about 15 months.
She can walk down 3 steps without hands.
She climbs all over the playground.
She is learning to ride her tricycle.
She loves her babies (dolls)
She loves to play pretend.
She can drink from a cup without a straw
She loves to help make kool-aid
She can climb out of her crib.
She can brush her teeth
She loves to give the babies their pacifiers.
She loves coloring.
She loves books.

since the babies were born I have been a little hard on her without knowing or on purpose. Poor thing grew 2 inches and cut all her molars in the last 2 months. I got a rude awakening at the doctor but it was needed. I am trying really hard to be more gentle and loving to her. She is only 2 and I need to remember that.

Jackson

We took Jackson to the doctor on 3/29 for his 4 yr old check up. He is doing great. He is 57 lbs, down from 59. He is 42.5 inches tall and still growing. His BP was 97/50. They tested his vision and urine. He felt like such a big boy having all that done. I just love this little man. We have a lot to learn still but he is doing great. I feel as a mom that I am a failure sometimes especially when my other mom friends are posting things all over facebook about their kids reading, writing and adding at this age. I mean am I supposed to be doing that?
Anyway!

Jackson knows all of his shapes
He can write JACK
He can say his alphabet
He can count to 10.
He is practicing coloring in the lines and he is doing well.
He can walk down the stairs with out holding on.
He does chores to earn money.
He loves cars.
He loves movies and cartoons (maybe too much)
He helps me make dinner.
He loves to help do dishes.
He can fold laundry.
He loves to feed the babies.
He carries them around the room.
He is in CTR 4.
He knows who Jesus is.

I am sure there are more things he does but that is all I can think of. Just the last month he has finally gotten over his shyness. In fact he went to the opposite end of the spectrum. He is very chatty to anyone who will listen and talk back. He is super proud of his "babies" and likes to tell everyone about Logan and Savannah. It is so stinking adorable. He is such a good big brother and the 3 younger are so lucky to have him around.

Stat Update

We took the babies to the doctor for their 2 month check up last thursday 3/28. They were so sweet until it was time for shots. (of course) They are both developing how they should and are moving right along. Savannah took a little longer on some things but they are right about even with one another now.

Logan stats 14 lbs
24.25 inches
15.43 head
He is basically in the 60th percentile. Not bad considering he has gained 7 pounds since he was born. He is definitely my little chunky monkey. He is moving along exactly like Jackson was. And they look so much alike it isn't even funny.

As of today Logan like to eat. He is up to 30 oz a day.
Logan loves to be talked to.
He is cooing, giggling, smiling and making gurgling noises.
He can just about hold his head up and is very good at tummy time.
He blows raspberries.
He mimics us when we stick out our tongue.
He loves to snuggle.
He hates his diaper to be anything but dry.
He loves the animals on the swing and carries on conversations with them.
He follows us around the room.
He found his hands on 3/27. TOO CUTE!

Savannah stats 12 lbs
23.5 inches
15.73 head
She is in the 40th percentile. She still seems so little compared to Logan. She even has the newborn/infant feel.

Savannah eats anywhere from 24-30 oz a day.
She is smiling, cooing, making gurgling noises and laughing.
She mimics us when we stick out our tongue.
She is still a bobble head but is getting better and better everyday.
She only cries when she is hungry.
She talks to her angels a lot.
She found her hands on 3/30.
She knows when mommy leaves the room and doesn't like it.
She loves to snuggle.
She loves to be talked to.


We are so blessed to have these adorable babies in our lives. It may be crazy and hectic most of the time but we make it work and I wouldn't change a thing.

Our time in the hospital

We had fabulous nurses and were treated really great. They kids and mom came to visit a few times and Kirk came once. Lizbeth and Vicki from the OG came to visit as well as Traci Ann. Jen and Nick Price made a visit too. I just love them and am grateful for their friendship. I don't need to write anymore, I'll just post pics.