Not many words

I am not a woman of many words, in fact I feel like I am not very educated and not very eloquent when it comes to speaking but some things have been on my mind lately and I need to write/type them down.

First I have a testimony. It may be simple and small but it is there. I know that Jesus lives. I know he died for us and if we follow his example and do all that we can, we can live again. I know the law of tithing is there for a reason. I have experience that it is a blessing although at times it seems near impossible. I believe in prayer. I have had many prayers answered and unanswered. I know families can be eternal and believe ours will be someday. I know the scriptures to be a word of God. I have not studied them like I should and unfortunately have lost some of the knowledge but I know when I do read them that they are true and bring this peace to my life as well as my familys. I know Thomas S. Monson is the living prophet today and it such an awesome example of what we should all be. He is truly inspired and is the best man to lead us right now especially in these troubling days.

Second topic is my ability to be a mother. I feel confident about half the time. I have days where everything goes perfectly and I see the eternal perspective and then I have days like today. Nothing went right. I slept in too late. Richard watched a inappropriate movie with the kids which sent them in to hyper mode not wanting to go to church. Jackson fought me to get dressed. We got to church and the kids were arguing over the cars they brought, Jackson wouldn't stop leaning over the pew in front of us and bothering the family in it, Jackson didn't take the sacrament, Jackson was disturbing his class so he had to come to RS with me, the babies were a little fussy, Mom was on edge, Jackson slammed doors when we got home, Madison was screaming, I spanked Jacksons butt a few times in my rage/irritation, the older kids went to be really early, the babies wouldn't go to sleep. Finally now at 945 p.m., I am enjoying some LDS Hymns on Pandora trying to relax and regroup. I definitely feel like a failure today. I mean what child doesn't want to take the sacrament. It breaks my heart when he refuses.

After all that I immediately start feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I am a single parent when it comes to the gospel. I am raising these children by myself in the gospel and it sucks!!!! I look around and the big green monster comes out. I want my husband there. I want to be able to lean on him and have him lighten my burden. I want to hold his hand while we are listening to the bishopric teach us. I want to be able to sing with him. I want to be able to pray with him. I want to be able to walk to the temple with him. Then I stop and beat myself up because it was my choice. I married a non-member. I did. It still sucks!