Just missing my Dad.

Today is a day that I wish my dad was still alive and here with us in Utah. Sometimes I think I feel him around and I hope that sticks until I die.

My relationship with my dad wasn't the greatest all the years of my life but just the last few it was blossoming and getting better.

The whole time I was growing up, I felt like I was treated better than my brothers but it wasn't until my early 20's that I realized it and how much it bothered me. I had to do a lot of forgiving to my dad mainly because I didn't want that grudge anymore. It wasn't until I got married and pregnant that I knew I needed to let it go and move on. I had a family of my own to love and take care of that I didn't need that hatred hanging over my head and consuming my days and thoughts. Suprisingly it was easier than I expected. So I started a new relationship with my Dad and we were fine. We would talk on the phone and I sent him letters and pictures. Unfortunately he never met Richard or any of the kids, in fact the last time I saw him was in 2005 before I left home for the last time. Our relationship had to heal itself over the phone and through the mail, and it did. When I found out he died, I have never cried so hard in my life. I was so mad that I wasn't able to see him one last time, I was angry that he didn't take care of himself good enough for his children, I was angry that he never met my beautiful family. I was guilty for not patching things up faster and making an honest effort to go see him. But mostly I was sad and still am.

I know my Dad isn't perfect but I know in his mind he did all that he could and knew how. I hope that he is getting the help he needs so that when it is my time to go and my families time to go that he will be waiting for us. My kids deserve their grandpa. I deserve a daddy.