This post doesn't have a title because I really don't know how to categorize it. I am stressed. The last month has been really hard. Actually the whole summer has been rough. For starters we are poor. So poor that if I took the time to apply for everything, we could get WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid for the whole family, help with housing. I mean it is actually really sad. The reason for this is Richard makes minimum wage + tips from the OG and has only had on 40 hour week this whole summer, and I am not working. It is really hard for me not to go back to work, but I know that this is what's best for my children so I am putting it all in the Lords hands and have hoped that we made it through the summer. Well it is now August 19, school starts in 7 days and we made it. We made it thanks to my mother. She saved us about 5 times from going in the whole. She paid our cable bill, our phone bill, Jackson's music class bill, given me money multiple times and is basically buying all the groceries to keep us fed. I can't wait until we can give it all back to her. If it had not been for her, we would be without a phone, car and maybe even food. It is crazy how different summer is from the rest of the year. The reason behind all of it is this; when Richard is in school we get housing and loans. Due to his time in the Army we get housing during the months he is in school. Man am I thankful for his time served. Unfortunately we take out loans too so he doesn't have to work as much and can focus on his studies. I look forward to the day he is done with school, we don't need anymore assistance and we are doing ok.

The next stressor is my children. They aren't the stress, the lack of parenting that I am doing is the stress. A few weeks ago, I decided to sit with Jackson and start to learn his alphabet. That was a bad idea. I am a horrible teacher. I lost it. He knows the song and kept singing it wrong and I couldn't handle it. I actually made him cry and that is the last thing I want to happen. I want my children to want to learn and be excited about education. I didn't enroll Jackson in a pre-school so now I have to buckle down and teach him so when it is time for Kindergarten he isn't behind.
We watch too much TV and that is because I am lazy. I am so tired most of the time that I just turn it on and nap in the recliner. I have stopped drinking soda thinking that might help with my tiredness, and it has helped a little but there are more days than not that I am just exhausted.
I don't take them outside enough and we are not getting enough exercise.

All of these things are making it really bad for the children. We are just existing, we aren't a part of society. We aren't involved in anything, we are home bodies majority of the time.

My next stressor is my sleeping. I recently did a study for my sleeping and we have found that my oxygen levels aren't where they are supposed to be. I did a second test and haven't had the results yet.

And finally my last problem is my weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been and it is killing me. I am so prideful that I have blinded myself. I am in denial that I am not as big as I am and then I see a picture and I want to throw up.

Now why am I writing about these and not doing anything about them? Honestly I don't know. I feel like I might be depressed then I have awesome days where I am happy and the kids are happy and everyone is happy. However in the back of my mind all these things are quietly eating at me. I don't know how to handle them. I don't know how to change. Or am I too lazy to change. I beat myself up pretty much all day for not being perfect in all these areas. That leads to me yelling at the kids over everything, which leads to me not doing anything, which then leads to me wanting to sleep, which leads to me wanting to eat, which leads to me getting full, which leads to me deciding I should get up and work off the food so I clean and then get mad at the kids for not helping or making messes. Holy crap, I just read all of this and can't believe it. I have a problem. It is a vicious cycle that has taken over my life. I need help.