Friday, November 1, 2013


For those who still read this, I ask for prayers. 

I went to my first therapy appointment on Monday. This is very humbling for me. I have always been the strong one, the one that can handle anything. I have always been the friend that everyone came too with their problems and I was good at fixing them. Until now.

I knew something wasn't right but I just kept saying it was fine and making excuses. I was tired. I was exhausted. Kids are sick again. I am too busy. I don't feel good. I didn't want to admit there was a problem. But there is. 

I yell at my kids to the extent that they shudder. My little Madison holds up her hands like I am going to hurt her. The babies cry when I yell. Jackson shuts down. I lose control and then nothing is solved. 

I have control issues. 

I don't have any patience.

I demand too much from my children. (they are only 4 and 2)

I am in a split religion/belief relationship. While my husband supports me, it is still hard to do everything church related by myself. 

Richard gets to go to school and work. I am jealous of his out of the home time. 

Since the twins were born, I have been on my own. The day after they were born, winter semester started and Richard had to go to class. I spent the days in the hospital alone. When we came home, Mom and Richard went back to work and school 2 days later. I am overwhelmed. I never really got to heal or get back to normal. I haven't cut my hair in over a year. I never wear make-up. I am in pajamas all the time unless I have to take the kids to the Doctor or on Sunday. My house is a disaster. I do the bare minimum to get by. 

My dad passed away in January and I haven't actually grieved. We drove all the way to Kentucky with 4 kids (2 being 3 weeks old) and I was still really sore from my c-section and other problems that come with pregnancy. It was not a pleasant trip. I miss him and am feeling very guilty for not making a better effort to see him. I feel guilty that he had to go through his last days in pain alone. He had no one. 

I have been calling myself lazy and that is why none of this is happening. When in reality I am depressed. Nothing brings me true joy. I wake up, tend the kids, watch T.V., go to the playground sometimes, go to the park sometimes, take the kids to the mall sometimes, grocery shop once a week, church once a week and then start all over. Occasionally we will throw in some outings with daddy but it so stressful that I end up ruining it for everyone. 

I have only had one therapy appointment but at that appointment I was able to speak freely and all this came out and I didn't even realize it. I am bitter. 

I love my babies. I always dream't  of being a mother. I just had a different view in my mind. 

This week has been a real eye opener. I have consciously made an effort to keep track of my bad times and try to conquer them. I have made a point to write in my journal for release. I know now that I need help and I can't do this on my own. I am anxious to see my therapist again. He is already a great man and I am excited to have his help. 

This is only the beginning. 

My kids deserve a better mom.


Scott, Tina, Spencer and Morgan said...

Prayers sent! You can do it.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but I randomly came across your blog as I was piddling around on the internet.

I just have to tell you that I admire your bravery and the guard you have let down by sharing this information. Please know that I firmly believe that being "strong" is sometimes a poor piece of advice. There is much health to be found in breaking down, crumbling, crying, and feeling. Those emotions and trials are ones your children may one day face and your willingness to share your journey through them is worth so much more than putting on a brave face.

I hope you find the happiness you so entirely deserve. You seem like a lovely person and have the most adorable family :) Best wishes and happy holidays!


a wandering stranger