Not many words

I am not a woman of many words, in fact I feel like I am not very educated and not very eloquent when it comes to speaking but some things have been on my mind lately and I need to write/type them down.

First I have a testimony. It may be simple and small but it is there. I know that Jesus lives. I know he died for us and if we follow his example and do all that we can, we can live again. I know the law of tithing is there for a reason. I have experience that it is a blessing although at times it seems near impossible. I believe in prayer. I have had many prayers answered and unanswered. I know families can be eternal and believe ours will be someday. I know the scriptures to be a word of God. I have not studied them like I should and unfortunately have lost some of the knowledge but I know when I do read them that they are true and bring this peace to my life as well as my familys. I know Thomas S. Monson is the living prophet today and it such an awesome example of what we should all be. He is truly inspired and is the best man to lead us right now especially in these troubling days.

Second topic is my ability to be a mother. I feel confident about half the time. I have days where everything goes perfectly and I see the eternal perspective and then I have days like today. Nothing went right. I slept in too late. Richard watched a inappropriate movie with the kids which sent them in to hyper mode not wanting to go to church. Jackson fought me to get dressed. We got to church and the kids were arguing over the cars they brought, Jackson wouldn't stop leaning over the pew in front of us and bothering the family in it, Jackson didn't take the sacrament, Jackson was disturbing his class so he had to come to RS with me, the babies were a little fussy, Mom was on edge, Jackson slammed doors when we got home, Madison was screaming, I spanked Jacksons butt a few times in my rage/irritation, the older kids went to be really early, the babies wouldn't go to sleep. Finally now at 945 p.m., I am enjoying some LDS Hymns on Pandora trying to relax and regroup. I definitely feel like a failure today. I mean what child doesn't want to take the sacrament. It breaks my heart when he refuses.

After all that I immediately start feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I am a single parent when it comes to the gospel. I am raising these children by myself in the gospel and it sucks!!!! I look around and the big green monster comes out. I want my husband there. I want to be able to lean on him and have him lighten my burden. I want to hold his hand while we are listening to the bishopric teach us. I want to be able to sing with him. I want to be able to pray with him. I want to be able to walk to the temple with him. Then I stop and beat myself up because it was my choice. I married a non-member. I did. It still sucks!

Babies are 5 months old!!!!

We took the babies for their checkup on June 5th. Yes we are a month behind but it happens. They were both very good and only fussed for a second after their shots. We left the older kids at Jen Prices' house so it was a lot easier with just two. Bless her for helping out.

Logan: 19lbs 26.5 inches
He is growing like a weed. He looks so much older than 5 months but I guess Jackson did too so what can we do.
-He can grab his toys with both hands
-He loves chewing on his hands
-He is such a happy baby, smiling all the time
-He puts himself to sleep
-He can roll from back to stomach and back again
-He babbles all day long
-He drinks 8oz bottles 4x a day
-He loves to push himself if you are up against his feet
-He loves church
-He loves Madison and she can get him laughing better than anyone
-He wears size 3 diapers already
-He prefers to sleep on his side

He is our chunky monkey that we love so much. He is very aware of what it going on around him and to us it seems he will be on the run soon. He doesn't like to lie still and wants to be part of the action.

Savannah: 16lbs 25.25 inches
She is our little shorty and such a mommas girl. She is very needy sometimes but I love to cuddle her.
-She found her feet last week
-She loves to squeal
-She can grab her toys with both hands
-She can pass toys from one hand to the next
-She hates tummy time
-She prefers mommy over anyone else
-She loves to be up in the air
-She babbles but not as much as Logan
-She is a tv junkie
-She sucks on her lower lip
-She drinks 6oz bottles 5-6x a day
-She loves church

Savannah is so different than the rest of the kids, she even has her own look. She has the sweetest smile that can brighten anyones day. She does not like to be left alone and will start crying immediately if she realizes it.

We just love these babies so much and although it is crazy hectic in our house we couldn't imagine our lives without them.

Hill Aerospace Museum

May 17th we went up to Layton/Ogden area to visit the Hill Aerospace Museum. It is incredible. First off it is free and that is always a plus in my book since we have a family of 6 now. LOL

It was about an hour drive but totally worth it. THere is a uniform room that has uniforms all the way back to WWII. There are two warehouse size rooms full of planes. It starts with the Wright Brothers and goes all the way to vietnam I believe. There were a couple atomic bombs, a firetruck, an ejection seat and a ton of planes and jets. The kids loved it. As a matter of fact, Richard loved it more I believe. LOL

We were there for about 2 hours and we even purchased two planes for the kids. It was definitely a success.

Just missing my Dad.

Today is a day that I wish my dad was still alive and here with us in Utah. Sometimes I think I feel him around and I hope that sticks until I die.

My relationship with my dad wasn't the greatest all the years of my life but just the last few it was blossoming and getting better.

The whole time I was growing up, I felt like I was treated better than my brothers but it wasn't until my early 20's that I realized it and how much it bothered me. I had to do a lot of forgiving to my dad mainly because I didn't want that grudge anymore. It wasn't until I got married and pregnant that I knew I needed to let it go and move on. I had a family of my own to love and take care of that I didn't need that hatred hanging over my head and consuming my days and thoughts. Suprisingly it was easier than I expected. So I started a new relationship with my Dad and we were fine. We would talk on the phone and I sent him letters and pictures. Unfortunately he never met Richard or any of the kids, in fact the last time I saw him was in 2005 before I left home for the last time. Our relationship had to heal itself over the phone and through the mail, and it did. When I found out he died, I have never cried so hard in my life. I was so mad that I wasn't able to see him one last time, I was angry that he didn't take care of himself good enough for his children, I was angry that he never met my beautiful family. I was guilty for not patching things up faster and making an honest effort to go see him. But mostly I was sad and still am.

I know my Dad isn't perfect but I know in his mind he did all that he could and knew how. I hope that he is getting the help he needs so that when it is my time to go and my families time to go that he will be waiting for us. My kids deserve their grandpa. I deserve a daddy.