No it's not what you think. We are not pregnant. However I would like to be in the future. This post is more about the attitudes around me than anything.
I joke to Richard sometimes about having another baby and he just laughs and then says something like "i hope its from someone else", or "i'll kill you if you get pregnant". He doesn't mean any of that but I think there are some undertones there. Like he doesn't really want another one but will do it for me. We finally talked about it last night and he is okay with it.
The next person is my mother. OMG! I feel like everytime I talk about another baby, she sighs and says "you better not be pregnant". It instantly makes me feel like a horrible mother. I immediately shut down and cling to my babies. I have always felt conscious or guilty about any thing I talk to my mom about. I feel like I haven't measured up to what she expected of me. I feel like she isn't totally happy with my companion choice and doesn't like that we struggle financially and that we fight sometimes. I feel like she judges us when the kids are crying to get up and we don't rush to get them out of bed because it is 7 in the morning and I don't want to. :) I feel like she thinks I could be a better parent. So when she sighs and makes comments about having another baby, all of these feelings and thoughts come into my mind and I just want to cry.
The last person to give me a hard time is myself. I know this sounds silly but it's true. I have always been a pleaser. I try to make everyone happy. So although I know we have more children out there. Although I know Heavenly Father would only allow us what we can handle. Although I have a empty part because we haven't brought all of our children to earth yet, and I sometimes cry for them, I fight it because I know how Richard and my mom feel about it. I don't want to upset them or disappoint them.
So the question is; Do I forget my children?, or Do I worry about what my mom thinks? This is a battle I have been having for about a month now.
Heavenly Father keeps reminding me that I am loved and that I am doing the best I can. My kids are happy and healthy and taken care of. Of course I lose my patience sometimes, and maybe I don't take them outside as much as I should, or I let them go to bed without brushing their teeth, but I love them. I read to them, sing to them, let them sleep with me, build houses and forts, paint with them, learn numbers, colors and letters, and teach them. Jackson and I are working on saying our nighttime prayers (he is such a good little man) and we read the friend at least once a week. Is it easy being a mother? No but it is totally worth it.
So to each or all of my little children still in heaven, I know you are there. And we will be together someday.
3 comments:
That is a tough situation. I say this is the perfect time to be thinking about it. Conference is this weekend and I suggest you do some serious praying and ask Heavenly Father and I promise you will get an answer during conference. It is not an easy decision to make, we have 3 kids and struggle financially and when people ask if we are finished and we respond no, they are shocked. But, it is important you and Richard can reach an agreement, you don't want to cause any undue stress on your relationship. It is an important decision, one that you BOTH need to agree on. And I am sure your mom means well, but in the end this is a decision between you, Richard and Heavenly Father. He knows what is best for you and that is all that matters in the end. Good luck!!
Thank you for opening up :) discovered an amazing book called Love what Is. You seriously have to read it. Especially as a people pleaser!
I know you know this, but it all comes down to prayer. And praying that you will be able to handle what the answer is. We stopped at two, and sometimes I really would love to have another one, but the answer was no, for us. That was a couple of years ago, and I still find myself sad sometimes. That's why I'm so glad Heavenly Father has let me work with children. I worked at a preschool. I am a one-on-one aide for children with special needs. It is truly a blessing that I know comes from the Lord. And know you are not a bad mom! You LOVE your children, and you want what is best for them. We just had a lesson in Seminary about relying on the Lord, since He can see the bigger picture. I love you! Oh, and I loved your post about Michigan. I'm headed up there on Monday. I'll post some pics on Facebook when we get back.
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