Third Baby

No it's not what you think. We are not pregnant. However I would like to be in the future. This post is more about the attitudes around me than anything.

I joke to Richard sometimes about having another baby and he just laughs and then says something like "i hope its from someone else", or "i'll kill you if you get pregnant". He doesn't mean any of that but I think there are some undertones there. Like he doesn't really want another one but will do it for me. We finally talked about it last night and he is okay with it.

The next person is my mother. OMG! I feel like everytime I talk about another baby, she sighs and says "you better not be pregnant". It instantly makes me feel like a horrible mother. I immediately shut down and cling to my babies. I have always felt conscious or guilty about any thing I talk to my mom about. I feel like I haven't measured up to what she expected of me. I feel like she isn't totally happy with my companion choice and doesn't like that we struggle financially and that we fight sometimes. I feel like she judges us when the kids are crying to get up and we don't rush to get them out of bed because it is 7 in the morning and I don't want to. :) I feel like she thinks I could be a better parent. So when she sighs and makes comments about having another baby, all of these feelings and thoughts come into my mind and I just want to cry.

The last person to give me a hard time is myself. I know this sounds silly but it's true. I have always been a pleaser. I try to make everyone happy. So although I know we have more children out there. Although I know Heavenly Father would only allow us what we can handle. Although I have a empty part because we haven't brought all of our children to earth yet, and I sometimes cry for them, I fight it because I know how Richard and my mom feel about it. I don't want to upset them or disappoint them.

So the question is; Do I forget my children?, or Do I worry about what my mom thinks? This is a battle I have been having for about a month now.

Heavenly Father keeps reminding me that I am loved and that I am doing the best I can. My kids are happy and healthy and taken care of. Of course I lose my patience sometimes, and maybe I don't take them outside as much as I should, or I let them go to bed without brushing their teeth, but I love them. I read to them, sing to them, let them sleep with me, build houses and forts, paint with them, learn numbers, colors and letters, and teach them. Jackson and I are working on saying our nighttime prayers (he is such a good little man) and we read the friend at least once a week. Is it easy being a mother? No but it is totally worth it.

So to each or all of my little children still in heaven, I know you are there. And we will be together someday.

Thoughts

I am feeling very homesick and I don't really know for which home. I miss Michigan at many times throughout my day. I miss my Jennifer and her beautiful family. I miss Tiffany and her many adventures and how she knows me better than anyone. I miss my Bluewater family (even though I have been away from that ward for 14 years). I miss Jacqui, Sophia, Jesse, Jason and Justin Moore, they are my family away from family. I miss the water and the humidity and the beautiful green landscape and thunderstorms and awesome lightning. I miss the way people know how to drive there. I miss being part of a huge dedicated fan base. I miss cruising up and down Woodward Ave, whenever a team won. I miss having professional sports teams around to cheer for. I miss the freighters. I miss seeing the Canadian border. I miss the beach. I miss going Up North. I miss how strong the church is and how dedicated all the members are. I miss the closeness of the church members. I miss the sunsets and the rainstorms. I miss the crazy amounts of snow we would get but still know how to drive in it. :) I miss going to Detroit. I miss cruising the streets of Macomb county. I miss the 7-eleven runs. I miss the feeling I had every time I would come back from vacation and cross into the state and know that it was home.
Michigan will always be my home, I am afterall, a Michigan girl.

I think about all those wonderful memories and wonder if it is just a memory or would it still be like that. I want to show Richard my Michigan. I want him to see the beauty of the Wolverine State. I want him to experience the beach and water and lighthouses. I want him to cross the Mackinaw Bridge and know what UP NORTH means. I want my babies to know their heritage. Michigan is a great place. I can only look forward to the future.