Happy Thanksgiving!

Since my last post, I have felt a little better. I have made it a point to keep a journal and am learning my triggers and trying to recognize them before it turns evil. Still lots of work to do but my home seems to be a little better. That's not saying that we are perfect or we don't have horrible days but it is less than before. 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this is the perfect time for me to write down all that I am thankful for as a constant reminder for me. 

1. My family of course. They are my best examples and show me love even in my darkest times.
2. My mother, she has taught me so much and I owe it all to her
3. My scriptures, they always have comfort and answers for me.
4. Prayer. I love the communication that I can have with my Father in Heaven and knowing that he listens and is always there for me.
5. My apartment. In this time, there are so many without a place to live that I don't ever want to take it for granted.
6. Our van, without it we wouldn't be able to get to where we need or spend time together away.
7. UVU. Richard is furthering his education so we can have a better life.
8. The Olive Garden for allowing my husband to have flexible schedule.
9. Music, it can change my mood instantly.
10. Quiet time. I don't have it very often but I sure do enjoy it when I do.
11. My Ward. They are so full of love and compassion. They are definitely examples to me.
12. Modern Medicine. My kids have been sick more than they should this year, and they have been able to overcome it with medicine.
13. The internet. It is useful in so many ways and has so many opportunities to learn and educate.
14. My 4 brothers. Kirk, Bruce, Justin and Jon. 
15. My testimony. It is what keeps me whole lately. 
16. That we are able to pay our bills as well as feed our family
17. Contacts because I hate wearing glasses.
18. A warm bed.
19. Sleep.
20. Facebook so I can keep in contact with friends near and far. 
21. Good books to read.
22. Other moms that I have connected with because we have twins. 
23. Lastly I am thankful for the obstacles and challenges in my life. They have made me who I am today and have guided me to what I want to be. 

Depression

For those who still read this, I ask for prayers. 

I went to my first therapy appointment on Monday. This is very humbling for me. I have always been the strong one, the one that can handle anything. I have always been the friend that everyone came too with their problems and I was good at fixing them. Until now.

I knew something wasn't right but I just kept saying it was fine and making excuses. I was tired. I was exhausted. Kids are sick again. I am too busy. I don't feel good. I didn't want to admit there was a problem. But there is. 

I yell at my kids to the extent that they shudder. My little Madison holds up her hands like I am going to hurt her. The babies cry when I yell. Jackson shuts down. I lose control and then nothing is solved. 

I have control issues. 

I don't have any patience.

I demand too much from my children. (they are only 4 and 2)

I am in a split religion/belief relationship. While my husband supports me, it is still hard to do everything church related by myself. 

Richard gets to go to school and work. I am jealous of his out of the home time. 

Since the twins were born, I have been on my own. The day after they were born, winter semester started and Richard had to go to class. I spent the days in the hospital alone. When we came home, Mom and Richard went back to work and school 2 days later. I am overwhelmed. I never really got to heal or get back to normal. I haven't cut my hair in over a year. I never wear make-up. I am in pajamas all the time unless I have to take the kids to the Doctor or on Sunday. My house is a disaster. I do the bare minimum to get by. 

My dad passed away in January and I haven't actually grieved. We drove all the way to Kentucky with 4 kids (2 being 3 weeks old) and I was still really sore from my c-section and other problems that come with pregnancy. It was not a pleasant trip. I miss him and am feeling very guilty for not making a better effort to see him. I feel guilty that he had to go through his last days in pain alone. He had no one. 

I have been calling myself lazy and that is why none of this is happening. When in reality I am depressed. Nothing brings me true joy. I wake up, tend the kids, watch T.V., go to the playground sometimes, go to the park sometimes, take the kids to the mall sometimes, grocery shop once a week, church once a week and then start all over. Occasionally we will throw in some outings with daddy but it so stressful that I end up ruining it for everyone. 

I have only had one therapy appointment but at that appointment I was able to speak freely and all this came out and I didn't even realize it. I am bitter. 

I love my babies. I always dream't  of being a mother. I just had a different view in my mind. 

This week has been a real eye opener. I have consciously made an effort to keep track of my bad times and try to conquer them. I have made a point to write in my journal for release. I know now that I need help and I can't do this on my own. I am anxious to see my therapist again. He is already a great man and I am excited to have his help. 

This is only the beginning. 

My kids deserve a better mom.