Do you ever just feel inadequate?

Lately I have been a little stressed. Richard is going to school and I made the decision to let him have the semester off from working. Well I am not really sure if I will do that again. I am the only one working and it is hard. I have to put in at least 30 hours just to make it work, which means 5 days a week. We are a month behind on every single bill and our taxes are just going to catch us up not put us ahead at all. It is really heart wrenching to know that we don't have a savings, we can barely pay our car payment or insurance and sometimes we have to scrounge around to buy diapers. Mom is trying to find a job to ease the burden which is very sweet of her, but at times I just can't take her money. So in turn, I will still be working but maybe just not as much. I have so much respect for women who work full time and keep their house and family perfect. After work I just can't relax, I need to spend time with my kids even if I am tired, but I am always tired and end up being grouchy. I need to find a balance. But then there are days when I am not working, I need to be super mom. I can't allow anyone else to take care of my children or my house. I need to clean and make 3 meals a day and make sure there is enough play time inside and out and the babies are fed and clean and bills are paid and anything else that needs to be done. Like today I have already started 2 loads of laundry, fed madison, made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen. It is frustrating when I don't get all of it done and I find myself going to bed still thinking about it and feeling like a failure. I also have a really hard time asking Richard to take over some of the duties. (actually i get frustrated having to ask him, in my perfect fantasy world, he just knows what he has to do and does it without me asking, but that isn't reality). I hate feeling small and like I am not doing enough. I know my kids aren't neglected, the bills get paid (late sometimes), dinner is made most of the time, we have a lot of fun together and my children are happy children but I still feel this way and I wish I knew how to get over it. My inadequacy is probably my own doing and thinking but it is still there. Am I alone? Does anyone else feel like this? We will see.

Madison Susan Dalton

So I don't have any pictures just yet, sadly our camera doesn't have the correct cord to connect to the computer. So my story will have to do for now. December was a very busy month. We celebrated our anniversary on the 8th with dinner at Tucanos (brazilian buffet) and then watched some movies at home. Not a huge celebration but all we could afford. December 18th was Jackson's birthday. This year was a little get together with just his family. We had a sports theme with chicken alfredo to eat and yummy cake and ice cream. Jackson scored some more hot wheels, a play mat to run his cars over, and a nerf basketball hoop. He loved all his toys and just being the center of attention.

We had decided not to celebrate christmas until after Madison was born to ease some stress on all of us. So December 25th was celebrated with Richards birthday. This will probably be the one and only year where he actually gets his birthday celebration on the right day. Poor guy.

December 27th is a very special day. We went to the doctor for my 39 week appointment and Dr. Judd asked if we wanted to go to the hospital that day? Hallelujah! We went home and packed and waited for the nurse to call us in. The nurse called at about 1215 and we arrived at the hospital around 1245. We checked in and got all settled. They got me hooked up to the iv and machines and around 2:00 they started my Pitocin. The contractions were very slow and far apart at first and not very strong. We watched TV, played cards, just hung out. Around 4 the anestisiologist called my nurse to ask if I wanted my epidural because he was going to be in a C-section until about 630. I opted to go for it so I could just relax. I got the epidural around 5 and immediately after, they broke my water. Luckily I didn't feel any of it, so for the next hour I was just relaxed and enjoying my time. Around 630 I got a new nurse and she came in to check me. I was only at a 3. No big deal, I had time and the epidural was working its course. I took a little nap, played some cards with richard, read a little in my magazine, but mostly just napped. At 8 my mom looked at my monitor and said she couldn't see my contractions. The machine wasn't picking them up. We started getting nervous but luckily the nurse came in almost immediately. She decided to check me and see what was going on, well lo and behold it was time to push. She ran out and got Dr. Judd and all the nurses, pediatrician and anyone else who needed to be there. They took my bed apart, put up the stir ups, got the bags ready for dirty laundry, set me up and Dr. Judd said push, but then preceded to make a joke (don't ask what it was) and I laughed instead of push and she came right out. If the nurse hadn't have come when she did, Madison would have birthed herself. She was that far along and the top of her head was already out. Madison was born at exactly 9 pm on December 27th 2010. She weighed 8 lbs 3 oz and was 21 inches long. Her head was 13 inches. She looks just like her brother which means she looks like her daddy. She had a full head of brownish blonde hair. She was perfect. We are so happy to have this little lady in our lives. She has definitely brought a new spirit to our home and we are so blessed to be given the opportunity to be her parents.