Monday, December 29, 2008
Battle with myself...
So this has been a most rewarding week but also a most challenging week. For those mothers out there you will understand. For those of you who know me you know that I am stubborn and beat myself up for almost everything even if I have no control over it. Well this is again one of those times. I was so determined to breastfeed Jackson that I would stop at nothing. So I did what the nurses said and basically let him sit on my breast most of the day. Well, when we went for his 2 day check up and he had lost nearly a pound I was frustrated. So let him eat and eat and eat thinking I was doing some good. The next day we went back for a weight check and he gained back an ounce I was feeling somewhat optimistic. So we kept doing what we were doing. Jackson is not a fussy baby and he sure as heck doesn't cry for long periods of time so when he kept crying and I kept crying from the excruciating pain coming whenever he latched on we realized something was wrong. So we gave him a formula bottle. Lo and behold he was full, and content and happy and stopped crying. So we decided to have me pump for a while to relieve some pain and also give him the food he needs while supplementing formula. That did not go as planned, after pumping for 2 days and only producing a total of 6 ounces of milk, not having the engorgement like I should and not feeling tender or sore like they should, we realized that breastfeeding just wasn't cut out for us. It killed me to think that I couldn't give to my baby what is best for him. I know it's not his fault or my fault or anyones fault for that matter but it is a battle that I have fought with myself for the last 2 days and it sucks. I wonder if anyone has gone through what we went through? The positive side though is we caught it early enough, he is finally getting what he needs, he is happy, and he gets to have bonding time with daddy (cuz daddy can feed him now). I know we are under a lot of stress right now and that may have caused it to happen but I believe we are doing our best and I know Jackson will be okay as long as we keep doing our best.
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7 comments:
First of all, HUGS!!! I know, as a Mother, we do beat ourselves up. Please don't be too hard on yourself - you really do want the best for Jackson and are being the best Mommy. As for the breast feeding, I can't give you any advice - sorry! You are probably right, with so many changes going on right now, maybe after you settle into your new home in South Carolina, things will work out better with the breast feeding. Have a safe trip tomorrow. My prayers are going out your way.
Holly,
I was not able to breast feed any of the girls because me milk did not come in for about 2 weeks after the girls were born and by then they were attached to the bottle. I know breast milk is best but they all turned out great!
I know just how you feel! Lincoln did the same thing. I really wanted to breastfeed, but he just would not latch on. Just like Jackson he would scream every time I would try. It just was not coming fast enough for him. Plus, Lincoln was not very good with sucking at first. Even with a bottle and pacifier he would take a while to start sucking, and he could never keep a pacifier in his mouth (he is better with a pacifier now, but most times we have to hold it in his mouth and he will only take it when he is super tired...but I'm not complaining). Lincoln never caught on to breastfeeding, and eventually I just stopped producing enough milk to even continue pumping...he just ate too much. I guess some babies just take a while to catch on though, so if you are able, keep pumping and keep trying. If you have to use formula don't feel bad though, it is still good stuff. Lincoln is super healthy and developing great...we both have big babies.
when spencer was born he spent 2 weeks in the nicu. the first week of his life he was on a feeding tube so i had to pump. and he came 4 weeks early so it took a few days for my milk to come in. i was able to keep up with him while pumping when he was on the feeding tube but by the time he was off and i tried breast feeding him i couldn't produce enough milk and he was what the nurses called a "grazer" and would just eat all day if we let him. and in order for us to take him home he had to gain weight, which i still think was dumb but i'm not the doctor, so we gave him bottles so we could get him home and i would try breast feeding there. by that time i was only producing a few ounces a day and that wasn't enough so the doctor gave me some medicine to up my supply but the medicine got me sick so i just gave up. i was so mad at myself. i thought, first of all i can't even carry my baby full term and now i can't even feed him what i'm supposed too. no one ever tells you that sometimes it just doesn't happen. millions of babies have lived on formula and they are just fine and so will our kids. and i will try again with the next one but i will be okay if it doesn't work again. and congrats. he's beautiful!! (ps...chrissy had a hard time at first also but she was lucky enough to get it to work). and i never had the engorgement pain either
Holly, I think you've learned by now from the other comments that you are not alone. With Isaac I had no milk (he was in the NICU for a week and I pumped off). I did my best to nurse him til he was 7 months (while still supplementing with formula) and my milk dried up on it's own.
With Bella I nursed her and felt like she was attached none stop. When I took her in for her first check up at a week old I found out that she was extremely dehydrated. Imagine how horrible I felt! She wasn't even peeing anymore... it was just orange powder residue stuff. I started the bottles and still nursed and eventually things got better and I nursed her til 9 months.
With Carter the pain was unbarible. I was bleeding and cracked so bad. I surprisngly stuck it out and they healed. But I still give him formula too. Sometimes it just doesn't seem like my milk is cutting it and I give him a bottle.
So there you have it... all three of my kids have been given formula and breastmilk and they're strong healthy kiddos. If you can't continue to breastfeed, don't worry. You have to do whats best for you and the baby mentally and not just physically. I'll keep you in my prayers!
I went through the same with Erik, He would not latch on and I was frustrated and I felt that I wasn't being a good mom by not letting him have breastmilk but I at least tried so I am glad I tried. He had my milk for about two weeks, and that was pretty much pumped milk. Good luck with everything!
Holly, I know this is an old post, but I thought I would put in my two sense:) Kimmie was born 6 weeks early & my milk was NOT ready yet. I spent the first month pumping every 2 hours & let me tell you, that gets old fast. But, I was bent on breastfeeding so I pumped & kept giving her the boob any chance I could. I was able to get a lactation nurse through WIC & she came over 3-4 times a week for the first couple months and helped me through it. I was finally able to only breastfeed after the first month, but I still pumped a lot to keep my milk up. Kimmie had a hard time latching on so the nurse had me use a nipple shield. They are mostly used for when you have sore nipples, but it also works well if your baby is having a hard time latching on. It sucked because I had to nurse her everytime with a dumb plastic shield on my nipple, but it helped her eat so I did it. Finally, at around 5 months we started weening her off the shield & about a month later she got very sick & stopped breastfeeding all together (she had bad acid reflux and was loosing too much weight too fast so we had to start her on formula). I hope this helps you so maybe next time you can give it a shot again! It is not easy, but it is also not the end of the world if you can't do it. I was a little more persistent than the normal person is, but it did take a toll on me mentally. Good luck:)
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