Twins turn 1!!!

Their birthday ended up being a 2 day celebration. We started out on their actual birthday going to Denney's for breakfast. They wore these cute birthday pins. 

From there we went to Build-a-Bear. It is our family tradition to take them on their 1st birthday to get a stuffed animal. We found these cute twin bears so of course had to get them. It was fun for Madison and Jackson to be a part of this process. 

We spent the rest of the night at home. Daddy went to school and we stayed in. Logan had croup so we rescheduled to the next night. 

Tuesday the 7th we had dinner and then the cake smash. 

They did so good. It took a good minute before they actually dove in but then it was awesome. Savannah thought the best place for her cake was her hair. Logan just loved it all over his face. They were enjoying themselves. The next day was not fun. Logan had a reaction to the frosting and they were just irritable babies due to the sugar overload. We learned our lesson. 

Logan is such a ham. He is cruising all over the furniture and taking steps here and there. He is our little mess maker. He can empty every cupboard in the kitchen in the time it takes me to wash my hands. He is very snuggly. He'll give us a hug and even pat us on the back. He loves his siblings. He is always laughing at Madison. He is very curious and once he figures something out he won't leave it alone. He figured out how to work the T.V and XBOX. He loves changing the channels and messing around with the computer. He gets mad if we don't let him use our phones. He loves to dance. Him and Savannah both will stop what they are doing if they hear music and start moving. He has 8 teeth with 2 more coming in. He says momma. He loves climbing from his crib to Savannah's. He is just a little spit fire and I look forward to him growing more. 

Savannah is definitely a sensitive soul. She hates loud noises. She will cry when I scold her as well as her siblings. She is curious too but isn't quite tall enough to really reach anything. It's really cute when you see her little fingers trying to touch something. She is starting to cruise. She is the best sleeper. She can stack blocks. She loves to play with Madison's dolls. She is perfectly content with playing by herself. She too can empty the kitchen. They usually do it together. She has 4 teeth with 4 coming in. Poor girl. She is very smart. She observes and then will mimic you. He is a mommas girl more than any of the other kids. He has this cry that just pierces your ears that you want to cry yourself. She is growing so fast. I expect her to be up to speed with Logan soon. 

I still can't believe the Lord thought it a good idea to give me twins. But he did and I will try my hardest to be a good mother. 

Madison is 3!!!

My precious Madison turned 3. She loves all things girl so we mixed Disney princesses with Minnie Mouse. Cupcakes was the choice this time, it was easy and less time consuming. 

I used the same concept as Jackson's birthday and made a Minnie Mouse without her bow. So we played pin-the-bow-on-Minnie. It was a hit. Madison's bow is the big red one. NOT BAD. Of course Jackson got his right in the right spot again. I swear that kid. Geica and I weren't even close. LOL. 

She got a new Minnie doll and Minnie dress. As you can tell, she was pretty excited. 

Madison is such a girl. I love it. I am not a girly girl so it is actually fun playing girly things with her. She wants to do everything I do. We have to paint our toes and fingers at least 2 times a week. She loves to dress up and prefers dresses over any other type of clothing right now. She is independent but loves to snuggle with me still. She wants to be doing so much more than I allow. She thinks she is so big. We are currently easing into potty training. She is so smart. Her speech is a little behind so when we go to her yearly check-up we will be asking if she can see a therapist. It is definitely a frustration for both of us. She brushes her own teeth. She loves baths. She loves her church class. She loves to have her picture taken.  She is my ball of energy. They girl never sits down, even when she should be eating she is up and down out of her chair. She is warming up to the babies and has good and bad moments. Her and Jackson are getting along much better. She is his little shadow, which I am afraid will probably be that way forever. I am just so lucky to have her as a daughter. She is such a sweet spirit. 

Christmas 2013

Christmas this year was the best we have had so far. It started on Christmas Eve. Uncle Kirk came over and Daddy got off work about the same time. We had pork chops and cheesy potatoes for dinner. YUM! Around 7 we all gathered in the living room. I had prepared a little spiritual thought so we would remember the real reason for christmas. I read the story of Christs birth with pictures. Of course I cried almost immediately. We had a little discussion about what I read. It was perfect. Jackson was really in tune and it was just what was needed for Richard. I need to be a better christlike example for him. It was my most favorite part of Christmas. After that we let the kids open a present from Geica. It was pajamas and a movie. They changed into their new jammies and we put in Monsters University to watch. Very cute movie. Put the babies to bed and the older kids fell asleep during the movie. 

It was time for presents. We gathered all the gifts and placed them under the tree. Normally us adults will play games and just relax the rest of the evening. No games here. We literally sat on the couches until about 2AM talking and laughing. It was nice to have that adult conversation and talk about politics, the world, the gospel and our trials. It was really nice to have that connection. We finally all went to bed knowing the kids would wake us up around 730. 

Sure enough we all got up around 830. It was present time. I always have this idea in my head that we will each open a gift and it would be a long process. Nope, the kids get anxious and we end up just tearing them open. Maybe next year. :)

The kids scored on gifts. Secret Santa showed up at our house on the friday before Christmas, so needless to say they got a lot more than we could get them. Madison got enough clothes and Minnie Mouse merchandise to last for a while. Jackson got enough boy toys and a scooter, that he was a happy boy. They babies got their own toys finally. Mom got us a waffle maker, which made Richard very happy. We didn't get her anything, which she swears she didn't want but it still makes me sad. Overall it was a gift collection that exceeded my expectations so I was happy. 

We had a nice breakfast and then it was time for naps. Richard watched basketball and we just played with the kids new toys. Since Christmas day is also Richards birthday, we eat what he wants for dinner. This year he chose corned beef hash. I look forward to the day I can make him a steak and potatoes. Something fancy. :)

The rest of the day was just spent with each other. I absolutely love Christmas. 

Jackson's is 5!

December 18 is a special day to this little boy. It is his day and he gets to do whatever he wants. He chose spiderman/super heroes as his theme. Since we were short on cash, I decided to decorate the cake myself. Not bad for my first time. 

I decided to do something different this year. We decorated the night before so it was a nice surprise for him. He woke up, saw the decorations and came running to my room. "mom, it's my birthday!!"

I wanted to play some games but completely forgot to buy any so I quickly made this Captain America shield and we played pin-the-star-on-the-shield. It was a hit and Jackson got it smack dab in the middle. He loved the game. I was proud of myself. hehe

Here's the birthday boy. He scored some legos and some Iron Man figurines. He loved his day and was felt so special. 

Jackson has grown into this sensitive, caring little man. He is very curious and is constantly asking questions.  He is always playing with some sort of blocks/legos and building these incredible buildings, or planes, or cars or boats. All of his builds are symmetrical and so detailed. I wouldn't be surprised if he went into a field with those expertise someday. He is my big helper. He is trying so hard to learn his alphabet and numbers. He won't be in kindergarten until the fall so I pray we get them by then. His siblings love him and look up to him. Madison does EVERYTHING he does. The babies laugh at him and want to be wherever he is. I can't imagine how devastated they will be when he starts school. I am so lucky he chose me to be his mommy.  

6 Years!

6 years ago on December 8 during a blizzard in Alaska, we decided it be a good idea to drive almost 3 hours to our wonderful friends house and get married. We are crazy like that. We were driving a not so reliable car with horrible lights and no traction on the tires. I could barely see and was driving about 30 miles an hour up and down mountains and around bends but I wouldn't change it for anything. I had my mom there as well as two of my closest friends in Alaska. Denise and Neal Higginson were so sweet to let us use their house. They had it all set up for christmas and it was beautiful. Denise made a wonderful spread and even got us a cake and me a bouquet. I cried just walking in the door. She really went above and beyond to make it special. We will be forever grateful. 

After 6 years, we sure have changed. ( I mean look at my hair and Richard's beard) LOL

 I love this man more than I did on that special day. 

We have grown in many ways and he is definitely my counterpart. He is calm and collected and likes to think things through before making decisions. 

He doesn't stress over little things.

He is accommodating.

He loves my cooking.

He knows how to make me smile.

He can always get me to laugh.

He loves his children and they love him.

He prefers breakfast over any other meal.

He can eat my mashed potatoes at every meal.

He can grow a mean beard.

He is smarter than he thinks.

He is a good driver (even though he doesn't have a license)

He loves to take off his socks and just drop them wherever they land.

He doesn't cook.

He is pretty handy.

His favorite holiday is Halloween. Mine is Christmas!

He is all man. 

I just love him to pieces.

Here we are celebrating said anniversary with a little Thor and Olive Garden afterwards. This was a special date. It was the first date we had since the twins were born 11 months ago. Never will we let that much time in between dates happen again. 

Here's to 100 more anniversaries!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since my last post, I have felt a little better. I have made it a point to keep a journal and am learning my triggers and trying to recognize them before it turns evil. Still lots of work to do but my home seems to be a little better. That's not saying that we are perfect or we don't have horrible days but it is less than before. 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this is the perfect time for me to write down all that I am thankful for as a constant reminder for me. 

1. My family of course. They are my best examples and show me love even in my darkest times.
2. My mother, she has taught me so much and I owe it all to her
3. My scriptures, they always have comfort and answers for me.
4. Prayer. I love the communication that I can have with my Father in Heaven and knowing that he listens and is always there for me.
5. My apartment. In this time, there are so many without a place to live that I don't ever want to take it for granted.
6. Our van, without it we wouldn't be able to get to where we need or spend time together away.
7. UVU. Richard is furthering his education so we can have a better life.
8. The Olive Garden for allowing my husband to have flexible schedule.
9. Music, it can change my mood instantly.
10. Quiet time. I don't have it very often but I sure do enjoy it when I do.
11. My Ward. They are so full of love and compassion. They are definitely examples to me.
12. Modern Medicine. My kids have been sick more than they should this year, and they have been able to overcome it with medicine.
13. The internet. It is useful in so many ways and has so many opportunities to learn and educate.
14. My 4 brothers. Kirk, Bruce, Justin and Jon. 
15. My testimony. It is what keeps me whole lately. 
16. That we are able to pay our bills as well as feed our family
17. Contacts because I hate wearing glasses.
18. A warm bed.
19. Sleep.
20. Facebook so I can keep in contact with friends near and far. 
21. Good books to read.
22. Other moms that I have connected with because we have twins. 
23. Lastly I am thankful for the obstacles and challenges in my life. They have made me who I am today and have guided me to what I want to be. 

Depression

For those who still read this, I ask for prayers. 

I went to my first therapy appointment on Monday. This is very humbling for me. I have always been the strong one, the one that can handle anything. I have always been the friend that everyone came too with their problems and I was good at fixing them. Until now.

I knew something wasn't right but I just kept saying it was fine and making excuses. I was tired. I was exhausted. Kids are sick again. I am too busy. I don't feel good. I didn't want to admit there was a problem. But there is. 

I yell at my kids to the extent that they shudder. My little Madison holds up her hands like I am going to hurt her. The babies cry when I yell. Jackson shuts down. I lose control and then nothing is solved. 

I have control issues. 

I don't have any patience.

I demand too much from my children. (they are only 4 and 2)

I am in a split religion/belief relationship. While my husband supports me, it is still hard to do everything church related by myself. 

Richard gets to go to school and work. I am jealous of his out of the home time. 

Since the twins were born, I have been on my own. The day after they were born, winter semester started and Richard had to go to class. I spent the days in the hospital alone. When we came home, Mom and Richard went back to work and school 2 days later. I am overwhelmed. I never really got to heal or get back to normal. I haven't cut my hair in over a year. I never wear make-up. I am in pajamas all the time unless I have to take the kids to the Doctor or on Sunday. My house is a disaster. I do the bare minimum to get by. 

My dad passed away in January and I haven't actually grieved. We drove all the way to Kentucky with 4 kids (2 being 3 weeks old) and I was still really sore from my c-section and other problems that come with pregnancy. It was not a pleasant trip. I miss him and am feeling very guilty for not making a better effort to see him. I feel guilty that he had to go through his last days in pain alone. He had no one. 

I have been calling myself lazy and that is why none of this is happening. When in reality I am depressed. Nothing brings me true joy. I wake up, tend the kids, watch T.V., go to the playground sometimes, go to the park sometimes, take the kids to the mall sometimes, grocery shop once a week, church once a week and then start all over. Occasionally we will throw in some outings with daddy but it so stressful that I end up ruining it for everyone. 

I have only had one therapy appointment but at that appointment I was able to speak freely and all this came out and I didn't even realize it. I am bitter. 

I love my babies. I always dream't  of being a mother. I just had a different view in my mind. 

This week has been a real eye opener. I have consciously made an effort to keep track of my bad times and try to conquer them. I have made a point to write in my journal for release. I know now that I need help and I can't do this on my own. I am anxious to see my therapist again. He is already a great man and I am excited to have his help. 

This is only the beginning. 

My kids deserve a better mom.

My sweet Madison

I chose this photo for many different reasons. It portrays my sweet daughter to a tee. At this moment she had been sitting with me for about 10 seconds. This was taken after I delivered the twins. My mom brought Madison and Jackson to come see me and when they walked in I had an oxygen mask on and it freaked Madison out. She cried for quite a while and wouldn't come near me. After what seemed like an eternity she finally sat with me but needed her bear "Belle" to sit with her. The face she is making is her whimper getting over crying face. I am sharing my jello which made it a  little better. 

So from this picture I see Madison in all her wonderfulness. She is such a little mommy to her babies (stuffed animals).

She loves me.

She is definitely a mommy's girl.

She loves food.

She is very concerned if I am ever upset or cranky or hurt.

She is my little firecracker. She has a huge personality.

She is only 2 almost 3 so she has a real hard time sharing.

She isn't talking the best so she gets frustrated because we don't always understand her.

She loves Minnie Mouse to the extent of an obsession.

She loves her family.

She will do anything I do.

She is very girly (loves her toes painted, shoes, makeup, dresses)

She is also athletic.

She is full of energy

She is not afraid of anything.

She loves being outside and riding her bike.

She adores Jackson and follows him in everything.

We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant with a girl. We figured our lives were complete now that we were going to have one of each. Madison is full of laughter and love. She has made me a better person and is such a sweet girl. She loves to snuggle when it is time for bed and loves for me to rub her head. 

We are so lucky she chose us to be her parents. 

Jackson Lee Dalton

This is my little/big man. I just love him.

I need to write more good things about my babies

instead of all the whining and complaining.

Jackson is almost 5 years old. I can't believe he made me a mommy

that long ago. 

He is seriously an angel. 

He has such a sweet side of him and is so sensitive.

He loves cars. (that's an understatement)

He loves building things and making new designs with his blocks.

He loves learning. 

He loves playing outside.

He makes friends with everyone.

He loves his "babies" and is such a big helper for me.

He wants to help with everything.

He prefers showers. (baths are for babies)

He LOVES music and is actually very good at it.

Jackson is such a good kid. His personality is so big and he has so much to offer.

I am trying really hard to give him some independence. 

I have seen him grow so much since we have loosened the chains a little.

It makes him feel important and so big.

I ask him at least 10 times a day what he wants to be when he grows up

Some of his responses include

-musician

-construction worker like daddy

-truck driver

-superhero

-football player

-chef

-daddy

He is just a special little boy and I am so lucky he made me his mom!

Our summer!

We were lucky enough to keep busy this summer. We played at the pool. We played at the parks. We visited splash pads. We hung out at the mall when the heat was unbearable. We visited the Utah State Fair. We visited Onion Days in Payson. We just had fun.

New Blog

I started a new blog. I am going to keep this blog for my personal use like I have been. My new blog is mostly about the twins and how it has changed our lives. I will be including my favorite things and inspirational quotes, recipes and whatever else I feel like putting in. I am excited about this new opportunity. I have been looking for something to keep my mind working and I think this will help. I really don't have any knowledge in any particular topic except being a mommy and wife so a blog about that sounded perfect.

Do I expect a million people to read it? No, not really. It is more of a hobby for me and something for me to have of my own.

The blog address is 4kidsunder5.blogspot.com

Feel free to check it out. I just started so bear with me while it gets established.

Six things I learned on Sunday

I need to try harder at documenting more on the blog, after all I want this to be a cherished gift I can give to my children.

Today is Sunday and just like every Sunday we went to church. Let me just say that Sundays are a walking contradiction in my life. I love them, I love the spirit I feel when I am there and the lessons I learn and the chance that I get to renew my covenants every time I take the sacrament. I don't love however the battle I have with Jackson every Sunday to get dressed, I don't love that I don't have a companion in the gospel to help me get everyone ready in the morning, I don't love the time during sacrament meeting when my kids bug me for food or drinks when they know they can't have snacks until after the bread/water, I don't love how I hardly ever hear the talks because I am constantly having to tell Jackson to sit down and stop crying or stop hitting your sister or telling Madison to not stand on the pews, or to stop screaming, I don't love how sweaty I get because I am carrying 2 carseats every where I go.

Now do the bad weigh out the good? Sometimes I feel as if they do. For instance today I was at my wits end. I thought about walking out and just going home because seriously how much good is it doing if we aren't actually hearing the talks or testimonies. I stuck with it and sacrament was over and I got to go to class. Of course it was wonderful. Katlin Vest is an awesome teacher and I always learn so much from her. The babies were great for Sunday School. Next it was time for Relief Society and I can honestly say that is my favorite time of the day. There is just a different feel in that room with all the sisters that I could stay all day. Vanessa Rucker taught today and it was awesome.

I was feeling pretty good, thinking the day was going to turn out better than it started. I dropped Mom and the 2 older kids off at home so I could pick up Richard from work. We went straight to the church so I could get set apart (finally) for my compassionate service calling. We also talked to Bishop about some financials and we went on our way. Not even 5 seconds after we got home (hadn't even set the babies or my diaper bag down) and I was bombarded with whiny children asking for all sorts of stuff. OMG, I thought, what the heck! (why can't my children ask their father for things) I snapped and said "Let me change my clothes, maybe go to the bathroom and I will be with you in a minute"

That moment on the night was a train wreck. I snapped at the kids over and over and bedtime was a joke. Finally at 10:00 they were all asleep and it was in that moment that I realized what a maniac I am. I had an ah-ha moment and am quite embarrassed with the way I acted all day. So here are my six things I learned today.

1. My kids do not respond to yelling, in fact they go the opposite direction and act out more.
2. In my darkest hour during sacrament when I felt like walking out, the spirit prompted me to go up and bear my testimony not knowing what I was going to say and it actually made it better.
3. My Heavenly Father loves me even when I am making stupid choices.
4. My kids love me even when I am yelling at them.
5. The Lord has given me this calling of Compassionate Service Leader at this time for me to be humbled and stop dwelling on everything I don't have and look at what I do. Someone out there is always worse off than me.
6. Madison is only 2 1/2 and Jackson is only 4 1/2! I treat them like they are so much older and that needs to stop. They are actually really great kids.

Today was an eye opener. I am ashamed of how I acted today. I apologized to my kids and got them to sleep and I pray that tomorrow is better.

This post doesn't have a title because I really don't know how to categorize it. I am stressed. The last month has been really hard. Actually the whole summer has been rough. For starters we are poor. So poor that if I took the time to apply for everything, we could get WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid for the whole family, help with housing. I mean it is actually really sad. The reason for this is Richard makes minimum wage + tips from the OG and has only had on 40 hour week this whole summer, and I am not working. It is really hard for me not to go back to work, but I know that this is what's best for my children so I am putting it all in the Lords hands and have hoped that we made it through the summer. Well it is now August 19, school starts in 7 days and we made it. We made it thanks to my mother. She saved us about 5 times from going in the whole. She paid our cable bill, our phone bill, Jackson's music class bill, given me money multiple times and is basically buying all the groceries to keep us fed. I can't wait until we can give it all back to her. If it had not been for her, we would be without a phone, car and maybe even food. It is crazy how different summer is from the rest of the year. The reason behind all of it is this; when Richard is in school we get housing and loans. Due to his time in the Army we get housing during the months he is in school. Man am I thankful for his time served. Unfortunately we take out loans too so he doesn't have to work as much and can focus on his studies. I look forward to the day he is done with school, we don't need anymore assistance and we are doing ok.

The next stressor is my children. They aren't the stress, the lack of parenting that I am doing is the stress. A few weeks ago, I decided to sit with Jackson and start to learn his alphabet. That was a bad idea. I am a horrible teacher. I lost it. He knows the song and kept singing it wrong and I couldn't handle it. I actually made him cry and that is the last thing I want to happen. I want my children to want to learn and be excited about education. I didn't enroll Jackson in a pre-school so now I have to buckle down and teach him so when it is time for Kindergarten he isn't behind.
We watch too much TV and that is because I am lazy. I am so tired most of the time that I just turn it on and nap in the recliner. I have stopped drinking soda thinking that might help with my tiredness, and it has helped a little but there are more days than not that I am just exhausted.
I don't take them outside enough and we are not getting enough exercise.

All of these things are making it really bad for the children. We are just existing, we aren't a part of society. We aren't involved in anything, we are home bodies majority of the time.

My next stressor is my sleeping. I recently did a study for my sleeping and we have found that my oxygen levels aren't where they are supposed to be. I did a second test and haven't had the results yet.

And finally my last problem is my weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been and it is killing me. I am so prideful that I have blinded myself. I am in denial that I am not as big as I am and then I see a picture and I want to throw up.

Now why am I writing about these and not doing anything about them? Honestly I don't know. I feel like I might be depressed then I have awesome days where I am happy and the kids are happy and everyone is happy. However in the back of my mind all these things are quietly eating at me. I don't know how to handle them. I don't know how to change. Or am I too lazy to change. I beat myself up pretty much all day for not being perfect in all these areas. That leads to me yelling at the kids over everything, which leads to me not doing anything, which then leads to me wanting to sleep, which leads to me wanting to eat, which leads to me getting full, which leads to me deciding I should get up and work off the food so I clean and then get mad at the kids for not helping or making messes. Holy crap, I just read all of this and can't believe it. I have a problem. It is a vicious cycle that has taken over my life. I need help.

Summer Ween!!

Our friends the Terry's invited us over for a SummerWeen Party. It stems from this Disney cartoon GRAVITY FALLS (which we had never watched). They celebrate halloween in the summer and carve watermelons. So thats what we did. Kyle carved some watermelons and we all dressed up. It was really fun. I am so glad Richard went and he said he had fun. It is good for us to have member friends. I had to get creative because we were short on funds. So our costumes consisted of duct tape and white T-shirts. Thank you pinterest. LOL

Catch UP!

Two milestones in this picture. Logan started holding his bottle 2 days before this and Savannah started holding her feet 2 days after. They are right in sync.

The babies are 27 weeks in this picture and got to try watermelon for the first time. They thought it was awesome and wouldn't let us take it away.

The babies like to hold their bottle the same way.

Not many words

I am not a woman of many words, in fact I feel like I am not very educated and not very eloquent when it comes to speaking but some things have been on my mind lately and I need to write/type them down.

First I have a testimony. It may be simple and small but it is there. I know that Jesus lives. I know he died for us and if we follow his example and do all that we can, we can live again. I know the law of tithing is there for a reason. I have experience that it is a blessing although at times it seems near impossible. I believe in prayer. I have had many prayers answered and unanswered. I know families can be eternal and believe ours will be someday. I know the scriptures to be a word of God. I have not studied them like I should and unfortunately have lost some of the knowledge but I know when I do read them that they are true and bring this peace to my life as well as my familys. I know Thomas S. Monson is the living prophet today and it such an awesome example of what we should all be. He is truly inspired and is the best man to lead us right now especially in these troubling days.

Second topic is my ability to be a mother. I feel confident about half the time. I have days where everything goes perfectly and I see the eternal perspective and then I have days like today. Nothing went right. I slept in too late. Richard watched a inappropriate movie with the kids which sent them in to hyper mode not wanting to go to church. Jackson fought me to get dressed. We got to church and the kids were arguing over the cars they brought, Jackson wouldn't stop leaning over the pew in front of us and bothering the family in it, Jackson didn't take the sacrament, Jackson was disturbing his class so he had to come to RS with me, the babies were a little fussy, Mom was on edge, Jackson slammed doors when we got home, Madison was screaming, I spanked Jacksons butt a few times in my rage/irritation, the older kids went to be really early, the babies wouldn't go to sleep. Finally now at 945 p.m., I am enjoying some LDS Hymns on Pandora trying to relax and regroup. I definitely feel like a failure today. I mean what child doesn't want to take the sacrament. It breaks my heart when he refuses.

After all that I immediately start feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I am a single parent when it comes to the gospel. I am raising these children by myself in the gospel and it sucks!!!! I look around and the big green monster comes out. I want my husband there. I want to be able to lean on him and have him lighten my burden. I want to hold his hand while we are listening to the bishopric teach us. I want to be able to sing with him. I want to be able to pray with him. I want to be able to walk to the temple with him. Then I stop and beat myself up because it was my choice. I married a non-member. I did. It still sucks!

Babies are 5 months old!!!!

We took the babies for their checkup on June 5th. Yes we are a month behind but it happens. They were both very good and only fussed for a second after their shots. We left the older kids at Jen Prices' house so it was a lot easier with just two. Bless her for helping out.

Logan: 19lbs 26.5 inches
He is growing like a weed. He looks so much older than 5 months but I guess Jackson did too so what can we do.
-He can grab his toys with both hands
-He loves chewing on his hands
-He is such a happy baby, smiling all the time
-He puts himself to sleep
-He can roll from back to stomach and back again
-He babbles all day long
-He drinks 8oz bottles 4x a day
-He loves to push himself if you are up against his feet
-He loves church
-He loves Madison and she can get him laughing better than anyone
-He wears size 3 diapers already
-He prefers to sleep on his side

He is our chunky monkey that we love so much. He is very aware of what it going on around him and to us it seems he will be on the run soon. He doesn't like to lie still and wants to be part of the action.

Savannah: 16lbs 25.25 inches
She is our little shorty and such a mommas girl. She is very needy sometimes but I love to cuddle her.
-She found her feet last week
-She loves to squeal
-She can grab her toys with both hands
-She can pass toys from one hand to the next
-She hates tummy time
-She prefers mommy over anyone else
-She loves to be up in the air
-She babbles but not as much as Logan
-She is a tv junkie
-She sucks on her lower lip
-She drinks 6oz bottles 5-6x a day
-She loves church

Savannah is so different than the rest of the kids, she even has her own look. She has the sweetest smile that can brighten anyones day. She does not like to be left alone and will start crying immediately if she realizes it.

We just love these babies so much and although it is crazy hectic in our house we couldn't imagine our lives without them.

Hill Aerospace Museum

May 17th we went up to Layton/Ogden area to visit the Hill Aerospace Museum. It is incredible. First off it is free and that is always a plus in my book since we have a family of 6 now. LOL

It was about an hour drive but totally worth it. THere is a uniform room that has uniforms all the way back to WWII. There are two warehouse size rooms full of planes. It starts with the Wright Brothers and goes all the way to vietnam I believe. There were a couple atomic bombs, a firetruck, an ejection seat and a ton of planes and jets. The kids loved it. As a matter of fact, Richard loved it more I believe. LOL

We were there for about 2 hours and we even purchased two planes for the kids. It was definitely a success.

Just missing my Dad.

Today is a day that I wish my dad was still alive and here with us in Utah. Sometimes I think I feel him around and I hope that sticks until I die.

My relationship with my dad wasn't the greatest all the years of my life but just the last few it was blossoming and getting better.

The whole time I was growing up, I felt like I was treated better than my brothers but it wasn't until my early 20's that I realized it and how much it bothered me. I had to do a lot of forgiving to my dad mainly because I didn't want that grudge anymore. It wasn't until I got married and pregnant that I knew I needed to let it go and move on. I had a family of my own to love and take care of that I didn't need that hatred hanging over my head and consuming my days and thoughts. Suprisingly it was easier than I expected. So I started a new relationship with my Dad and we were fine. We would talk on the phone and I sent him letters and pictures. Unfortunately he never met Richard or any of the kids, in fact the last time I saw him was in 2005 before I left home for the last time. Our relationship had to heal itself over the phone and through the mail, and it did. When I found out he died, I have never cried so hard in my life. I was so mad that I wasn't able to see him one last time, I was angry that he didn't take care of himself good enough for his children, I was angry that he never met my beautiful family. I was guilty for not patching things up faster and making an honest effort to go see him. But mostly I was sad and still am.

I know my Dad isn't perfect but I know in his mind he did all that he could and knew how. I hope that he is getting the help he needs so that when it is my time to go and my families time to go that he will be waiting for us. My kids deserve their grandpa. I deserve a daddy.

Happy Easter!

Easter this year was pretty chill. We had a nice dinner and the kids each looked for eggs and received one gift. I am sick of having to make each holiday so elaborate and over the top. I want to start focusing on what the holiday means and the spiritual part of it. I did dress the kids up all cute like and take pictures of course. On the way to church we discussed what Easter mean't and the kids had a nice time during church. Uncle Kirky came over and the rest of the evening we just spent hanging out. Daddy had to work of course so he didn't get to spend the day with us. I look forward to the day he doesn't have to work sundays.