Twins turn 1!!!

Their birthday ended up being a 2 day celebration. We started out on their actual birthday going to Denney's for breakfast. They wore these cute birthday pins. 

From there we went to Build-a-Bear. It is our family tradition to take them on their 1st birthday to get a stuffed animal. We found these cute twin bears so of course had to get them. It was fun for Madison and Jackson to be a part of this process. 

We spent the rest of the night at home. Daddy went to school and we stayed in. Logan had croup so we rescheduled to the next night. 

Tuesday the 7th we had dinner and then the cake smash. 

They did so good. It took a good minute before they actually dove in but then it was awesome. Savannah thought the best place for her cake was her hair. Logan just loved it all over his face. They were enjoying themselves. The next day was not fun. Logan had a reaction to the frosting and they were just irritable babies due to the sugar overload. We learned our lesson. 

Logan is such a ham. He is cruising all over the furniture and taking steps here and there. He is our little mess maker. He can empty every cupboard in the kitchen in the time it takes me to wash my hands. He is very snuggly. He'll give us a hug and even pat us on the back. He loves his siblings. He is always laughing at Madison. He is very curious and once he figures something out he won't leave it alone. He figured out how to work the T.V and XBOX. He loves changing the channels and messing around with the computer. He gets mad if we don't let him use our phones. He loves to dance. Him and Savannah both will stop what they are doing if they hear music and start moving. He has 8 teeth with 2 more coming in. He says momma. He loves climbing from his crib to Savannah's. He is just a little spit fire and I look forward to him growing more. 

Savannah is definitely a sensitive soul. She hates loud noises. She will cry when I scold her as well as her siblings. She is curious too but isn't quite tall enough to really reach anything. It's really cute when you see her little fingers trying to touch something. She is starting to cruise. She is the best sleeper. She can stack blocks. She loves to play with Madison's dolls. She is perfectly content with playing by herself. She too can empty the kitchen. They usually do it together. She has 4 teeth with 4 coming in. Poor girl. She is very smart. She observes and then will mimic you. He is a mommas girl more than any of the other kids. He has this cry that just pierces your ears that you want to cry yourself. She is growing so fast. I expect her to be up to speed with Logan soon. 

I still can't believe the Lord thought it a good idea to give me twins. But he did and I will try my hardest to be a good mother. 

Madison is 3!!!

My precious Madison turned 3. She loves all things girl so we mixed Disney princesses with Minnie Mouse. Cupcakes was the choice this time, it was easy and less time consuming. 

I used the same concept as Jackson's birthday and made a Minnie Mouse without her bow. So we played pin-the-bow-on-Minnie. It was a hit. Madison's bow is the big red one. NOT BAD. Of course Jackson got his right in the right spot again. I swear that kid. Geica and I weren't even close. LOL. 

She got a new Minnie doll and Minnie dress. As you can tell, she was pretty excited. 

Madison is such a girl. I love it. I am not a girly girl so it is actually fun playing girly things with her. She wants to do everything I do. We have to paint our toes and fingers at least 2 times a week. She loves to dress up and prefers dresses over any other type of clothing right now. She is independent but loves to snuggle with me still. She wants to be doing so much more than I allow. She thinks she is so big. We are currently easing into potty training. She is so smart. Her speech is a little behind so when we go to her yearly check-up we will be asking if she can see a therapist. It is definitely a frustration for both of us. She brushes her own teeth. She loves baths. She loves her church class. She loves to have her picture taken.  She is my ball of energy. They girl never sits down, even when she should be eating she is up and down out of her chair. She is warming up to the babies and has good and bad moments. Her and Jackson are getting along much better. She is his little shadow, which I am afraid will probably be that way forever. I am just so lucky to have her as a daughter. She is such a sweet spirit. 

Christmas 2013

Christmas this year was the best we have had so far. It started on Christmas Eve. Uncle Kirk came over and Daddy got off work about the same time. We had pork chops and cheesy potatoes for dinner. YUM! Around 7 we all gathered in the living room. I had prepared a little spiritual thought so we would remember the real reason for christmas. I read the story of Christs birth with pictures. Of course I cried almost immediately. We had a little discussion about what I read. It was perfect. Jackson was really in tune and it was just what was needed for Richard. I need to be a better christlike example for him. It was my most favorite part of Christmas. After that we let the kids open a present from Geica. It was pajamas and a movie. They changed into their new jammies and we put in Monsters University to watch. Very cute movie. Put the babies to bed and the older kids fell asleep during the movie. 

It was time for presents. We gathered all the gifts and placed them under the tree. Normally us adults will play games and just relax the rest of the evening. No games here. We literally sat on the couches until about 2AM talking and laughing. It was nice to have that adult conversation and talk about politics, the world, the gospel and our trials. It was really nice to have that connection. We finally all went to bed knowing the kids would wake us up around 730. 

Sure enough we all got up around 830. It was present time. I always have this idea in my head that we will each open a gift and it would be a long process. Nope, the kids get anxious and we end up just tearing them open. Maybe next year. :)

The kids scored on gifts. Secret Santa showed up at our house on the friday before Christmas, so needless to say they got a lot more than we could get them. Madison got enough clothes and Minnie Mouse merchandise to last for a while. Jackson got enough boy toys and a scooter, that he was a happy boy. They babies got their own toys finally. Mom got us a waffle maker, which made Richard very happy. We didn't get her anything, which she swears she didn't want but it still makes me sad. Overall it was a gift collection that exceeded my expectations so I was happy. 

We had a nice breakfast and then it was time for naps. Richard watched basketball and we just played with the kids new toys. Since Christmas day is also Richards birthday, we eat what he wants for dinner. This year he chose corned beef hash. I look forward to the day I can make him a steak and potatoes. Something fancy. :)

The rest of the day was just spent with each other. I absolutely love Christmas. 

Jackson's is 5!

December 18 is a special day to this little boy. It is his day and he gets to do whatever he wants. He chose spiderman/super heroes as his theme. Since we were short on cash, I decided to decorate the cake myself. Not bad for my first time. 

I decided to do something different this year. We decorated the night before so it was a nice surprise for him. He woke up, saw the decorations and came running to my room. "mom, it's my birthday!!"

I wanted to play some games but completely forgot to buy any so I quickly made this Captain America shield and we played pin-the-star-on-the-shield. It was a hit and Jackson got it smack dab in the middle. He loved the game. I was proud of myself. hehe

Here's the birthday boy. He scored some legos and some Iron Man figurines. He loved his day and was felt so special. 

Jackson has grown into this sensitive, caring little man. He is very curious and is constantly asking questions.  He is always playing with some sort of blocks/legos and building these incredible buildings, or planes, or cars or boats. All of his builds are symmetrical and so detailed. I wouldn't be surprised if he went into a field with those expertise someday. He is my big helper. He is trying so hard to learn his alphabet and numbers. He won't be in kindergarten until the fall so I pray we get them by then. His siblings love him and look up to him. Madison does EVERYTHING he does. The babies laugh at him and want to be wherever he is. I can't imagine how devastated they will be when he starts school. I am so lucky he chose me to be his mommy.  

6 Years!

6 years ago on December 8 during a blizzard in Alaska, we decided it be a good idea to drive almost 3 hours to our wonderful friends house and get married. We are crazy like that. We were driving a not so reliable car with horrible lights and no traction on the tires. I could barely see and was driving about 30 miles an hour up and down mountains and around bends but I wouldn't change it for anything. I had my mom there as well as two of my closest friends in Alaska. Denise and Neal Higginson were so sweet to let us use their house. They had it all set up for christmas and it was beautiful. Denise made a wonderful spread and even got us a cake and me a bouquet. I cried just walking in the door. She really went above and beyond to make it special. We will be forever grateful. 

After 6 years, we sure have changed. ( I mean look at my hair and Richard's beard) LOL

 I love this man more than I did on that special day. 

We have grown in many ways and he is definitely my counterpart. He is calm and collected and likes to think things through before making decisions. 

He doesn't stress over little things.

He is accommodating.

He loves my cooking.

He knows how to make me smile.

He can always get me to laugh.

He loves his children and they love him.

He prefers breakfast over any other meal.

He can eat my mashed potatoes at every meal.

He can grow a mean beard.

He is smarter than he thinks.

He is a good driver (even though he doesn't have a license)

He loves to take off his socks and just drop them wherever they land.

He doesn't cook.

He is pretty handy.

His favorite holiday is Halloween. Mine is Christmas!

He is all man. 

I just love him to pieces.

Here we are celebrating said anniversary with a little Thor and Olive Garden afterwards. This was a special date. It was the first date we had since the twins were born 11 months ago. Never will we let that much time in between dates happen again. 

Here's to 100 more anniversaries!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since my last post, I have felt a little better. I have made it a point to keep a journal and am learning my triggers and trying to recognize them before it turns evil. Still lots of work to do but my home seems to be a little better. That's not saying that we are perfect or we don't have horrible days but it is less than before. 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and this is the perfect time for me to write down all that I am thankful for as a constant reminder for me. 

1. My family of course. They are my best examples and show me love even in my darkest times.
2. My mother, she has taught me so much and I owe it all to her
3. My scriptures, they always have comfort and answers for me.
4. Prayer. I love the communication that I can have with my Father in Heaven and knowing that he listens and is always there for me.
5. My apartment. In this time, there are so many without a place to live that I don't ever want to take it for granted.
6. Our van, without it we wouldn't be able to get to where we need or spend time together away.
7. UVU. Richard is furthering his education so we can have a better life.
8. The Olive Garden for allowing my husband to have flexible schedule.
9. Music, it can change my mood instantly.
10. Quiet time. I don't have it very often but I sure do enjoy it when I do.
11. My Ward. They are so full of love and compassion. They are definitely examples to me.
12. Modern Medicine. My kids have been sick more than they should this year, and they have been able to overcome it with medicine.
13. The internet. It is useful in so many ways and has so many opportunities to learn and educate.
14. My 4 brothers. Kirk, Bruce, Justin and Jon. 
15. My testimony. It is what keeps me whole lately. 
16. That we are able to pay our bills as well as feed our family
17. Contacts because I hate wearing glasses.
18. A warm bed.
19. Sleep.
20. Facebook so I can keep in contact with friends near and far. 
21. Good books to read.
22. Other moms that I have connected with because we have twins. 
23. Lastly I am thankful for the obstacles and challenges in my life. They have made me who I am today and have guided me to what I want to be. 

Depression

For those who still read this, I ask for prayers. 

I went to my first therapy appointment on Monday. This is very humbling for me. I have always been the strong one, the one that can handle anything. I have always been the friend that everyone came too with their problems and I was good at fixing them. Until now.

I knew something wasn't right but I just kept saying it was fine and making excuses. I was tired. I was exhausted. Kids are sick again. I am too busy. I don't feel good. I didn't want to admit there was a problem. But there is. 

I yell at my kids to the extent that they shudder. My little Madison holds up her hands like I am going to hurt her. The babies cry when I yell. Jackson shuts down. I lose control and then nothing is solved. 

I have control issues. 

I don't have any patience.

I demand too much from my children. (they are only 4 and 2)

I am in a split religion/belief relationship. While my husband supports me, it is still hard to do everything church related by myself. 

Richard gets to go to school and work. I am jealous of his out of the home time. 

Since the twins were born, I have been on my own. The day after they were born, winter semester started and Richard had to go to class. I spent the days in the hospital alone. When we came home, Mom and Richard went back to work and school 2 days later. I am overwhelmed. I never really got to heal or get back to normal. I haven't cut my hair in over a year. I never wear make-up. I am in pajamas all the time unless I have to take the kids to the Doctor or on Sunday. My house is a disaster. I do the bare minimum to get by. 

My dad passed away in January and I haven't actually grieved. We drove all the way to Kentucky with 4 kids (2 being 3 weeks old) and I was still really sore from my c-section and other problems that come with pregnancy. It was not a pleasant trip. I miss him and am feeling very guilty for not making a better effort to see him. I feel guilty that he had to go through his last days in pain alone. He had no one. 

I have been calling myself lazy and that is why none of this is happening. When in reality I am depressed. Nothing brings me true joy. I wake up, tend the kids, watch T.V., go to the playground sometimes, go to the park sometimes, take the kids to the mall sometimes, grocery shop once a week, church once a week and then start all over. Occasionally we will throw in some outings with daddy but it so stressful that I end up ruining it for everyone. 

I have only had one therapy appointment but at that appointment I was able to speak freely and all this came out and I didn't even realize it. I am bitter. 

I love my babies. I always dream't  of being a mother. I just had a different view in my mind. 

This week has been a real eye opener. I have consciously made an effort to keep track of my bad times and try to conquer them. I have made a point to write in my journal for release. I know now that I need help and I can't do this on my own. I am anxious to see my therapist again. He is already a great man and I am excited to have his help. 

This is only the beginning. 

My kids deserve a better mom.